Diana

Chapter 3

//*Trigger Warning: SA, Self Harm*\\

I know I drifted off because when my eyes opened, I was being carried upstairs by Louis. I was groggy and he just whispered "Shhhhhh go back to sleep love." Instead of going back to sleep, I opened my eyes and let him carry me to the bedroom. 

"Hey Lou?" I asked, my voice still groggy with sleep. 

"Hmm?"

"Can I wear some of your clothes to bed?" Louis just nodded. Something was wrong. "Lou, what's wrong?" I questioned. He looked at me and sighed. He opened a drawer in his nightstand and he gently pulled out a bunch of razor blades. MY razor blades. 

"Where did you get those?" My voice raised a bit with anger.

"I wanted to make sure you couldn't hurt yourself anymore." 

"So you went through my stuff?!" I tried not to yell so I wouldn't disturb the rest of the house, but I was pissed. I had every right to be. He knows how I feel about my privacy, and how pissed I get when someone goes through my personal things.

"You think I'm going to let you keep carrying these with you? I don't give a damn about your privacy when your safety is in question." Louis was trying his best not to yell at me, but I could hear how angry he was.

"You had no right."

"I have very right to keep you safe."

"Going through my stuff isn't keeping me safe! It's violating my privacy. You know how I fucking feel about that!" Tears started to sting my eyes, not because I was angry, but because I felt betrayed. Betrayed by the person I trusted the most in the world. I never thought he would do something like this to me. 

"Diana." His tone of voice softened. "I'm sorry I went through your things...The thought of you hurting yourself was killing me. I know you have had the absolute worst few years but this..." He raised the blades slightly, "This isn't the way to make things better and you know that. You told me yourself, you try to stop, but something always happens."

I sighed. "I'm still mad at you."

He chuckled a bit. "Yeah I know. But I can deal with it. Go take a shower, I'll put some clothes on the sink after I get rid of these." I nodded and stood up, pausing when I got next to him. I didn't say anything, I just wrapped my arms around his waist for a few seconds before letting go and walking down the hall to the bathroom. 

After I washed my body, I sank down the the shower floor and let the water fall over me and allowed myself to cry. I didn't care that my arms were burning from the fresh cuts of this morning and I didn't care that the water running down my face was making it hard to breathe.  All I could think about was my mothers callous words. I couldn't figure out if she was kicking me out because I didn't come home to clean for her boyfriend or if she was kicking me out because she finally found out about what Howard did. I hated thinking about it and just the thought of him made me let out a sob and I cried even harder. I hated him. It was a miracle my mother found out at all, considering it's been two years since the first time he came into my room while my mother was passed out drunk. I stood up and grabbed the soap and started scrubbing my skin. Thinking about him made me feel dirty and gross and I was scrubbing my skin so hard I opened up a few of the cuts on my arms. I hardly noticed the burning though. I needed to make sure I was clean. I felt so absolutely gross. It didn't matter that it had been over two weeks since the last time. What mattered was getting him off my skin.

I heard a soft knock at the door and I flinched, before remembering that I was not home and that I was safe. Nothing would ever happen to me if I were with Louis. "Hey Di, I'm just checking on you, you've been in here for over an hour. Are you alright?" I heard Louis' gentle voice. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding.