Filters

3 Gingham

june 8th 2016
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Three weeks later

I stand silent in the rain as the priest speaks over Sarah's grave. My dads hand is on my shoulder while my mom is holding my hand. Both of them stand stoic, like me, with unshed tears in their eyes.

Sarah's mom and dad stand close to the casket, Cathy (Sarah's mom) is emotionless with mascara filled tears rolling down her cheeks. She doesn't even try to wipe them away, just lets them fall. Mark (Sarah's dad) is staring down with dead eyes as the priest begins laying flowers on her casket.

Before I know it, my parents are walking me to the car and buckling me in. I'm to unresponsive to do it myself.  We sit in silence as talk radio fills the car with its incessant mumbling.
When we reach home I don't even speak to my parents. Just shuffle upstairs and into my bedroom.
I leave the lights off and curtains drawn tight as I change out of my black dress and slip underneath the covers. Everything is quiet except for the hum of the air conditioning throughout the house. My door is locked and so is my heart.
This is how I remain for three weeks afterwards.

My mother and father try to coax me out of my room. Bribing me with my camera, food, even the prospect of buying me more film. But I don't reply. I just stay in my bed. Staring at the ceiling. Un-emotionless and missing my best friend.

I re read our last texts at least three times a day. We had planned to hang out that Friday and had a time set to meet up. The last thing she said to me was "i love you Linny, I'll see you friday"

It breaks my heart knowing that she left this world too soon. Knowing that she was depressed for so lone and didn't tell me the feelings she had locked inside of her.

I should have realized. Should have done something. She is-was- my best friend and I didn't notice that she was fighting a battle everyday. And what kills me more than anything is that stapled on the note she left was a picture of me and her that I had taken. Her last thought was of me and I still wasn't there for her.

I don't know if I can take this. It feels like I'm suffocating inside a ball full of fresh air and I don't know what to do.

It feels over for me. It hurts so much.