Make Me

»anxiety

" 'Cause maybe it's the soco, maybe it's the Hennessy, maybe it's the fast life, maybe it's the limousine." - Cars & Clothes & Calories

***

Since no one was at home; no one picked me up from the floor and told me that everything will be okay. That everything will turn back to normal. But I had to stand up and carry myself towards the house. I stopped when the path was heading to two directions. The left one is to my so-called parents and the right one is to my mason. I sighed and shook my head. I'm not ready to see them.

Not yet. Not today. Not tomorrow. Maybe, I will never have the guts to even take ten steps towards their direction.

The house was white with a modern looking black roof. Windows of the most expansive and bullet proof glass covered the whole house. The door was black with a white handle. There was grass on both sides of the house. Roses and all types of beautiful flowers filled the left side of the path; giving off their perfume aroma. On the left side, there's a small, baby forest just one hundred feet away from the house. A bit closer to the house; a white gazebo stood.

I stared at the forest and smiled. Sometimes whenever I can't think I'll go to the forest just to see my grandmother's grave. Everyday I will go there and water her plants that I brought for her the day before she died.

Small tears formed in my eyes but I pushed them back, I can't be crying all the time. Nobody will help me anyway, I should fight.

How? I have no idea.

But I know that just sitting in my locked room debating wether or not if I should suicide again. This sad and weak, I don't want to be weak. Not anymore.

As I went inside the house, Joy meowed and ran into the kitchen. Before fully going there she looked at me, blinked and then ran to her plate. I laughed, getting the cat food that smells like rotten eggs and gave her the whole thing.

With happiness she started eating it.

My lips formed a small smile and I said, "Don't choke to death Joy,"

***

I drank beer while some punk song started playing from somewhere and I looked around. The whole room looked blurry and I tried to concentrate on the body that was moving towards me. I shook my head, trying to shake the dizziness away but nothing worked. Looking at my glass- plastic cup- I realized that it wasn't my room. Frowning, trying to remember why did I crash into some high school party while I was trying to steady my life into somewhat normal.

Well, this is normal right? Drinking, partying, having sex and boyfriends, not caring about anything else but the social life. Yeah, I should loosen up, I had a rough week. And I'm all caught up in my school work, I planned my future already; some fun won't ruin me.

God was I wrong.

***

Everything went by as a blur, I was sitting on a bar stool drinking as if the world is going to end tomorrow. Then somebody asked me to dance and told me that I was pretty, in my drunk state of course I blushed and giggled. By the time I got up from the chair- and nearly tripped- people all around me were either dancing like animals or making out. In the corner I could see people of any ages getting high from stacks of marijuana and other drugs. Sweat from all of the people were making the air quite humid. The room that I was in, was dark and party lights were every where; lightning the places whenever their colorful lights touched them. I smiled, this is fun, exciting and adventurous, nothing will happen to me.