This Is Our Sweet Blasphemy: An Ashley Purdy Love Story

You Cannot Be Found

Cold. Alone. Dark.

This was all I wanted now from where I lay in my hotel room. The bed was warm, and I was just getting comfortable enough to begin to dose off. Though I knew I couldn't be with Holly, I just wished I could.

I was sleepily watching the ceiling fade into a blur of white and randomly colored spots.

Though I could feel the weight of sleep dragging on my eyelids, I fought to stay awake, hoping that maybe something good would happen to me in the next five minutes that I could stay up. Nothing was happening. I was laying all alone.

I was tired. And feeling very very abandoned. I sighed, knowing I may never have the girl I liked, though I knew she was getting over some complicated stuff. She was definately missing Chris, whoever he was.

She probably didn't want me bothering her so much, since Chris had just died. I pulled my tired self out of my bed and pulled on some  "normal" clothes.

I owed Holly an apology and I was about to give it to her. I wandered the hall. Finally, I found Holly sitting alone near the end of the hall by the elevator. She had her head against her knees.

I could hear the soft sound of her crying, so I sat next to her.

"Holly?" I asked, trying not to be a bother but still be helpful.

She didn't look up, but I heard a muffled response of some kind. I pulled myself a little closer to her and patted her back.

Holly looked up. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were streaked from the tears that had fallen down her face.

I hugged her and held her there. "Holly, it's ok." I whispered.

She was quiet, so I kept rubbing her back. "Shh..." I said.

She finally said something. "Ashley, I don't know what to do. Chris is dead. And no one else is... No one is there for me like he was. Or like..."

"Hey, that's not true. I'm here for you. I l-love..." I choked on my words.

Holly looked up at me curiously, drying her tears on the edge of her hoodie. "Love what, Ash?"

I smiled. "Not a what, a who. I love you." I said.

Holly was quiet.

I let my smile fall a little. "I know, you miss Chris. You love him still. I know. It's ok."

I knew I was doing the right thing somehow, even though it was not what I wanted, nor was it anything like I'd planned. I helped Holly off the floor. "Come get some coffee with me."

She smiled a kind of shy, quiet smile. "Ok," she agreed.

I led her to the coffee shop. We ordered some drinks.

--

Holly and I sat across from each other, talking for about an hour. I finally found the courage to explain myself.

"When I said, 'My girl,' I didn't mean it..." I said.

"Oh?" she replied.

"Yes...I just... wanted you to be my girl.... Like.. for real."

"Huh?" Holly asked.

"Holly?"

"Yeah, Ashley?" she asked.

"I wanna make this official... Will you be my girlfriend?" I asked.