This Crazy Feeling

ThisCrazyFeeling.Part6

From Jay:

Goodmorning beautiful!

Reading my text from Jay with one eye open because the light was too harsh on my eyes, I realized the light was from outside. It’s morning. Texting him back with one thumb on my keyboard and then shoving my face into my pillow, I heard something. It was quiet, and softly hazed out. Yet the noise was clear and close. I sat up and turned to my right seeing Andres right beside me, snoring sweetly in a light dream. Did we both fall asleep on the same bed last night? Well, this should probably be fixed. I got closer to Andres to tap a finger on his shoulder, “Andres! Wake up!” His left eyed opened slightly while his right eye winked tightly. Out came his mumbled words, “What time is it?” I clicked my power button to see my phone light up with Jay’s text on the screen, and the time. “It’s 6:00 in the morning.” His eyes were both open now, looking at me for a long time it felt like he was going to kill me or something. “Really? Lay down! It’s too early for this.”, Andres closed his eyes again. “Andres, what if your parents find you in my room laying in bed with me?” He pulled the blankets up past his shoulders, “Naomi, my parents don’t care.” His parents didn’t care? Does this mean he goes and sleeps over girls’ house all the time? If so, why am I getting mad? It’s not like we were dating…but it’s not like me and Jay were dating either. Wait, why did Jay come into mind like that?

I use my pointer finger and poke on Andres’ cheek, “Wake up!!” My phone buzzed in my hand again.

From: Jay

I miss you babe. What you up to?(:

Replying to his text, I was melting. The warmth someone can give you even when they’re not near you. Yet…I felt something warmer around my waist. I looked down to see Andres’ arms wrapped around me. “Naomi come cuddle with me, you’re so warm and I’m so cold!” My cheeks burned, and my eyes glistened from the sunlight. Then I felt another buzz from my phone, and I quickly went ice cold seeing Jay’s name light up on my phone. Why do I feel this way for both of them. I just met Andres, what the hell am I doing? Well nothing, just sitting here. But what the hell am I feeling?! Something has to be done, if only I knew what to do. Like, what do I really feel here? These butterflies in my stomach flitter to both boys, and I’m extremely frustrated in confusion.

"What’s wrong?", Andres noticed me blank out into my own thinking. I don’t know what to say. What was there to say? Jay and I weren’t dating, and neither was me and Andres. Andres wants to cuddle, would it be wrong? Of course it would, my heart belongs to Jay! Or does it? I snapped out of lala land to answer Andres, "This doesn’t feel right Andres." He unwrapped his arms and looked like a sad puppy, "I told you, my parents won’t care they aren’t even my real —" I cut him off without thinking, "It doesn’t feel right because I’m talking to someone on a dating level." Slowly, Andres moved away from me. "We almost kissed last night, I thought you were feeling the same vibe I was. You said you and that Jay guy were over so I thought…" My heart dropped to my stomach because, he was right. I was feeling the exact same thing he was, we both leaned in. If it wasn’t for my stupid phone, it would’ve happened. "It was after that…" His face scrunched up and twisted, "After that? But we were watching movies and…" "Andres, when I was outside last night I was on the phone with my ex. We broke up a while ago, but I think we might be getting back together." His face loosened up as he fumbles with his thumbs, "Oh." One word reply from Andres, it was like a thousand swear words being thrown at me and I didn’t know what to throw back. It hurt like a piano dropped from the sky. I physically felt like things were falling, and mentally saw myself crashing.

What is this pain that I feel, it is killing me alive. It’s been two hours since I’ve talked to Andres, and I miss him already. Latoya came in and told me we were going out to eat today at 6. But honestly, I feel sick and I just don’t wanna do anything but lay in bed all day and think. Nothig makes sense anymore. Nothing at all. I think it’s time for a journal entry, it’s the only way to clear my head.

                                                                                                                                        August 7 2013    

Dear Journal, 

       I don’t know, I just don’t fricken know! Jay did it again, convinced me to let him back into my life. Speaking of Jay, he hasn’t texted me back in a while. Oh well, I just don’t care just as much as I don’t know. See…Me and Andres almost kissed yesterday. Before our little movie thing and then fallin asleep accidentally on my bed. It felt wrong at the time cause all I could think about was Jay, but now I’m not sure. It’s like my mind is telling me to feel one way, and my heart is telling to feel another way. The issue is, how do I know which to listen to? Andres looked so disappointed, it burned a hole right through my heart. I hate letting people feel down. Latoya told me we were going out to some fancy restaurant tonight. I feel like Andres isn’t going to say a word to me. I just met this boy, why am I so upset? I can feel my stomach twisting by just thinking of the face he made when he said “oh” . I cant believe I’m saying this, but not even writing in you isn’t making me feel better. Ugh, I don’t know what the hell is going on seriously. Im shaking my head at myself right now.

-Naomi Alvarez