My Spiritual Journey

Family support

So recently...I put my foot down about going to church.
The reason being is just the church has...a very toxic stigma in it. I am not saying all churches are like this...but this particular one has too much opposite energy than I have. I carry myself very differently than they do but because they like to slander those who have the same beliefs I do-even though they may not know it- it presents an uncomfortable atmosphere for me.
Going to church isn't an requirement and I feel very content.
There are times where my mother will tell me people have missed me. Like my Grandma and I do not want to be selfish and keep myself distant from her so of course I will visit every once and a while but I will not be participating. I stopped taking communion when I was...a year ago.
But before I babble on about the church (cause really this book is not gonna be about that) I want to talk about how I decided on the pagan path and try to seek wicca.
It was at a very young age that I felt more compelled to nature and more caring of the environment. I listen to the wind a lot and the thing that linked me and connected me more to myself.

Of course the upbringings in my childhood tried to structure me but the thing is I refuse to follow structure that does not benefit me.
The only thing it made me feel was constantly guilty for being myself.
I didn't want to come out of this book trying to say right off the bat that I am Wiccan because I am still a beginner.
Recently I felt like I was losing myself and I felt feared being abandon by the Goddess. It is part of my anxiety issues and I recently lost two people in my life  the past two weeks.
My Great Aunt to dementia and a friend to suicide.
It has been difficult...because the suicide was a friend that I wanted to hang out for a while but unfortunately during this life time I will not see her again.
This year I lost 4 people in my life.
Two being especially very close to me.
I felt the presence of my two family member that passed in my lifetime now.
One to suicide an uncle that was very close to me...the second one was my Grandpa to multiple illnesses at his old age. Three week span...I felt lost without them because when...my friend and my Great Aunt died...I wanted to call them....
Adjusting to them being with me in spirit then in physical has been difficult.
I found a lot of negative energy plague me lately and its a bad thing...like a really...am disgusted and lost...I want to find peace and its hard.
I been wanting to write for a while but its really hard. I am so damn miserable. But I want to let go so I can move on.
I need to look more to support and need to tune into my spiritual side. I hope I can keep moving on with this. I am just fighting through pain.