The Darkness Of love

Deep Inside

I'm nervous?
Or am I scared?
Or maybe both?

I don't know. But I do know that I have this feeling also that things might change a little. And I don't want that to happen EVER. Because that'll be the worst thing to ever happen to me.

Sometimes I do feel like it was the worst thing to do was tell her that I liked her. Because I don't know what goes through her head when I said that. And I don't know if she feels weird, or wants to be distant, or want to talk less.

I don't know.

I feel like I'm going through a tornado and I'm never ever gonna be able to get out of it. My feelings are going up and down and all around and it hurts.
I get sick of it because I just hate this happening.

Just deep inside me wishes that I could ask her how she feels and have her ask me how I feel. Because I feel many things. I want to tell her how I feel like about her. But also tell her how I'm scared because I don't want anything to change you know?

She's the closest person I ever been with. Literally the closest. Out of all da people out there I know she is the closest.

Damn right.

She too fab for anyone else out there y'all can't beat her.

But I worry a lot too. I don't know how she'll feel about any of this. Or if it will affect her or not. I know our friendship is strong, and I know nothing will stop us. But things like this can always change anything you know?
Anything.

Because I know that I myself won't make her feel like how she makes me feel. And I don't have the things she is interested in. And I don't have the talent she likes and the looks she gets into.

I don't have anything that could spark her ever. Nothing. 
Well not true, I guess I could make a spark if it ever happens. If I'm lucky.
I just don't have many traits in me that is just i don't know good?

I mean I guess I have personality but that's not all people go in for. You want to be with someone who sparks your interest with looks too. Hell. She has all the looks.

She has so much damn beauty in her that it makes me so jelly. She just be's herself and hardly even wears makeup. She shines herself out there. Does what she wants, what makes her happy.

I mean she is just so god damn beautiful. The way her hair is. It's black, but like a shiny black with all the curls. Her smile, and laugh.
God..

Always tends to make me laugh and smile too. Even though we both scream out loud whenever we laugh. Hell the whole neighborhood wonders what the fuck we're doing.
We don't care though, we just be ourselves and does what we want to do.

That's what you should do though.

Be yourself and nobody else. Because yourself is the best and strongest person you can ever be.

She helps me be myself though. Because half my life I've just acted out in many ways. Because being my full self I get messed with. Bullied. And that's how it was. Because I acted different if I'm myself and I guess supposedly I was stupid.

So yeah. But she made me feel safe. Like it's okay to be me. I don't have to be shy, nor do I have to be scared. Like she isn't gonna judge me. She made me feel good. Like I can actually smile and have a purpose for that smile.

You know? That one person who makes you feel like the moment is real because it is. Like you aren't faking yourself with anything. Yeah that's how she makes me feel.

All of that.

The thing is... I just, I don't know if I do the same for her. Like I don't know how I make her feel. Well I guess I'm just a best friend. Up in the friend zone. But that's okay. If I can keep our strong relationship I'm happy. Because I rather be good friends then lose her at all.

But sometimes it's hard cause she talks about how she wishes to be with someone. And be happy with someone. Love someone and feel the love back. Know that she can trust them. And they feel the same way back with her.

Yeah...

So I see who she looks into, and yeah I get protective cause well I like her but cause I also care about her. I want to make sure that she is with a guy who will actually take care of her. Have her feel happy, and won't play or use her EVER.

I mean.. I know I can be that guy. But to her I'm not. But if it makes her happy to try and find someone special and be with someone that is right for her.

Well..

I guess I'll do it for her to be happy then.