The Darkness Of love

I Said It

It happened. I did it. I actually fucking did it.

I really did.

You know what I did?

No you don't but I'm gonna tell you.

I told her.

Yeah. I actually told her. Like FOR REAL I did! But you don't get HOW hard it was, how hard to say that I did! You don't get it at all.. or well you might.

It wasn't over text like a bitch or anything (not saying your a bitch for saying over text but should really say it to her/him instead though) I told her over the phone. Yeah the phone, laugh at me heh..

I wanted to in person you know? But when I said I wanted to tell her something she instantly of course had to know then. Kiss me in the ass, I shouldn't have said that at all. But oh well. I did.

As she waited for me to speak over the phone I'm here sweating my hands off. Like they were made of ice and they were put under the sun or something.

My voice became pitch less and I tried to speak but I couldn't. I was just SO damn nervous.

You don't even understand how scared I was..
I was so so sooo scared.

I wanted to cry....

Ha..

Yeah I felt my eyes holding it all in me. Because I didn't know what she would do if I told her. I didn't want to fuck anything up. I wanted to just go away. But I knew I couldn't. I knew I had to tell her at some point in life.

And so that was the time.

"Hey.. uuuuh well so I um.. like a girl you know? Just a girl nothin much or anythin".

"What's this girls name, come on just say it already".

"Well... this girl. Umm".

As I'm speaking my voice is stuttering because of how nervous I am.

Heh, I feel like a pussy as I think back on this because I just was. Like a little child waiting in line to go on there first huge roller coaster. Feeling the fear in your body as you get closer and closer to the ride. Until your finally on it there's nothing you can do but go through it. And either you get off of it and ends well or it doesn't.

Yeah that's how I felt. Like I was in line for some horror ride.

But I also felt good as I was trying to tell her because I so badly wanted to tell her. Tell her my feelings and all of it. You know? Get it out of my chest. Have her hear and listen and know. And take it in all of it. And feel from it. Feel something great, deep, real from what I want to tell her.

"So uuh.. This girl that I like. Heh.. this girl now. Well... this girl is you".

"Wait who"??

"Ummm this girl is you.."

I finally said it. She wasn't mad or anything. Except for the fact I never told her earlier. Because we're such close friends that we keep no secrets at all. This was the ONLY secret I ever kept. I also felt super guilty from it too...

"It's okay if you like me, but what really kinda hurt or pissed me off is that you kept this from me. No more secrets promise"?

"I'm sorry.. I promise".

Did I tell her anything on how I feel?
No.
I didn't want to spill it all out. Unless she asked how I felt.

As we hung out my eyes were all watery from it all. I didn't know what to think or do. I was nervous. My heart racing feeling it through my chest.

What will happen now?

Will she ever think of me? Fall for me..?

I really don't know.

Probably not. Cause,
Well,
I can't answer that.

Just everything.

All of it.

I'm tired and i haven't slept in so long. I'm tired. My eye lids are just closing.

I'm sorry...

"I love you"