Nyctophilia||Malum AU

29

Dear whomever reads this,
This note isn't to any specific person. My mother wouldn't read it and care, my father would be too drunk or busy to form a sentence, my sister will be half way across the world and too occupied with herself, Michael...well, I don't even know anymore.
I have no friends, no family that truly care, and I have more problems than a teenager should have to deal with.
The bullies, the loneliness, the emptiness, the pain and the hurt.
I'm practically an empty vessel that will never fill.
A broken vase that is still fractured even if its glued back together.
A sad, lonely, broken boy that just wants to be loved in return. But no person will ever love me for who I am, and the one that I crave for is nowhere.
Maybe I'm better off going into nowhere.
And that's why I'm writing this.
I sought help. I received it and dropped it, feeling more helpless than I did before.
I took pills, I tried to sleep, I wrote in this fucking stupid diary.
Not a journal, a diary. Because, let's face it, it was a fucking diary even though I wouldn't admit it at the time.
Stupid thing didn't help. The only thing that did, left me.
Maybe it was unintentional.
I never actually told Michael how I felt or thought, I never told him what his presence did to me.
I never told him that I had fallen in like with him and love was about to smack me in the face like a brick.
It hit me as soon as he left me.
Now, I don't have him and I never got to tell him.
Instead, I developed Nyctophilia just like him. I sat - every night - in the cold, the rain, the dry, the snow, the fog, just to get a glimpse of the ink black sky, the dazzling moon and the scattering of stars. I felt like I belonged with the dark, and that's why I'm writing.
I've been waiting for this for so long.
Over the last couple of years, I've never felt wanted or like I belong.
There's been so many times that I wanted to end it all; but I always stopped. Whether it was because something prevented me, or I chickened out. Either way, I never did it.
Today.
Today is different.
Today...today I'm going to kill myself and succeed.
Today...I'm going to put my own happiness first.
Today...I'm going.

Love
Cal

I took a very long break from writing.
I'm actually still on the break, but I thought I'd have a cheeky look on wattpad because I haven't logged on in almost a month and I had a crazy amount of notifications and I remembered this wasn't fully posted yet.
I think there's 1 more chapter after this.
Sorry if you're triggered by this chapter, I think it triggered me when I wrote it.

I want to come back to writing, but I'm not ready yet.

Thanks for still reading and being patient.

Charlotte X