Crash Test Dummy

Chapter 10

Sunday Uncle Clarence called just before we left for church. "You up for lunch and some putt putt this afternoon?" 

"Sure," I hesitated, "but..."

"I know, I know," he interrupted. "You have to get Mom's permission."

"She's already made plans for me with Seth and her," I admitted.

"Put her on. I'm sure she needs some alone time with her man."

Momz listened to Unk for a minute and then laughed. "Alright, alright, you win. Pick him up outside church around 12:00." Her expression changed to surprise. "Okay, cool. See you."

She hung the phone up and handed it back to me. "Clarence is going to meet us at church for worship at 10:30." 

"You're kidding, right?"

"No, and it was his suggestion. I've invited him a bunch of times, and he always has some excuse not to come. I didn't even invite him this time, and he decides to show. There's no figuring the man out."

My mind was gnawing at the problem of Uncle Clarence volunteering to come to church. It just didn't add up. Then I started to get excited. Maybe he was trying to get into Momz good graces for a reason. Maybe Popz had told him where to find the key to Blue Ox.

I had trouble sitting still during worship, stuck between Momz and Uncle Clarence. I was jiggling my leg, a habit I'd had as long as I could remember, but one I usually pretty much quashed during church. About five minutes into the sermon, Momz reached over and put a hand on my leg and gave me the look. It said, "You're disturbing me; BE STILL."

I looked down at my bulletin. I turned it to the blank page where you're supposed to take notes and began to doodle a picture. I used to draw the sermon all the time as a kid, but hadn't done it in a while. The preacher was talking about some guy in the Bible named Jonah and how he ran from God. While the preacher told the story for those who hadn't been forced to go to Sunday school for most of their lives, I drew cartoon boxes. In the first was Jo, aka Jonah, on a Harley, riding up the ramp onto a ship. The next was a fierce storm. The third had a bunch of sailors throwing Jo and his bike into the drink. The fourth had Jo hopelessly trying to clean the gunk off his hog in the belly of a whale. Next Jo and his ride were being barfed up on a beach. Finally Jo was riding the Harley through a town. He was talking into a mike clipped to his shoulder and a couple of speakers were strapped to the back. "Repent or be damned" was in a bubble above the bike.

As we stood to sing the closing song, I started to fold the bulletin. Uncle Clarence reached over and stopped me. "Wait," he whispered. Once the song was over, he continued, "Your Dad would dig that. Sign it and mail it to him."

"This?" I was incredulous. "Why? It's just church doodling."

"You've got talent. He'll like that. Maybe he can post it by his bed or something, sort of like the prison version of the fridge magnet. And, he's into church now, you know."

"I figured. He told me Momz was right about God."

"Let's do Fuddruckers for lunch." He grinned. "I need a man-sized burger."

We got our burgers and found a semi-quiet corner to light. "So, tell me about your visit," I said around a wad of meat.

"Let's chow down and then we'll talk." He pointed in my direction. "A mouth full of hamburger ain't too pretty."

As soon as I choked down my burger and fries and chugged my shake, I demanded, "So did Popz tell you where the key to Blue Ox is? Is that why you came to church, to butter Momz up so you could take me for a spin?""