When Darkeness Breathes...

I Today

You have to understand, I had no way of knowing what was coming, what was happening to me, or had already happened to me. I remember when I was younger, that there was this period in which I never remembered having dreams. It was just blissful dark and then beautiful dayleight. I was little, until about the age of four. I was strong, beautiful and healthy. You could say normal...other than I had this ability. I just knew things, things people did not talk about. Sometimes darke things that were locked away in the back of their minds. Sometimes it was as simple as who was going to call, 5 minutes before the phone rang. Then things changed.

Then I remember horrible pain. Blinding, terrifying darkness that consumed all and everything. It had taken hold of me and my consciousness. I remember the tears, the horrific pain and burning. Then I remembered something warm and moist on my face, hands and...my mothers screams. Alot was a blur after that. I know the stories. That I should have died, that me living was a miracle and unexplained. A massive cerebral hemorrhage that should have decimated half of my brain, left me brain dead and vegetative. But I woke up. Alive. Symptomatic. Sensitive. And now I had dreams. They are a blur. But dark and disturbing. Dreams I did not want to remember. Things that no child should know or remember.

It was after that, that I began to change. First in a mental sort of way. A little more withdrawn. A little more quiet. It felt like I became invisible. Like the outside world could not see me, if I did not first initiate contact. Then I became sad. Because I knew that there was something different about me and the way people responded to me. I mean, I was not scary, not deformed. I looked and acted like a normal everyday child. A good girl. I was well behaved and intelligent. It was just that people seemed to avoid me. I could not really form any close relationships to people. I was lonely.

Then things began to change on a physical level. I started developing pain. Severe pain in my knees. I remember that it hurt so bad, that I would sit at the kitchen table, with my feet propped up on another chair. I would be rubbing them, the feeling of intense lightening bolts running through both of the knees. My mother trying everything to help, Tylenol, Motrin, ice packs and heating pads. No relief. Finally going to the doctor after a month of pain, nothing. They could find nothing wrong. This went on for two years. I got heavier, because of not being able to be active. I was more lonely. Kids at school started teasing me. They had no clue, they had no idea how bad they hurt me. Still the dark dreams continued.

Headaches were the worst. They came after the hemorrhage. They made it difficult for me to enjoy the sun. It was white blindness. Any type of sold color or shine would cause intense pain in my eye and head. It could last hours or days. I spent a lot of time in the dark. I felt like I was changing and it scared me. But I could not explain this. The headaches lasted longer, nearly twenty years worth.  I noticed I became more comfortable in the dark. That a part of me was seeking out the relief of the darkness. But the terror of the half-formed dark nightmares still haunted me. Always there, but no answers from them or why.

Then something happened. It was strange. I met someone who was having the same issues as I was. It was beyond strange, beyond weird and way beyond coincidence. Then real physical changes happened. Pain in various parts of my body, numbness, lightening bolts, spasms and more. I felt like I was going crazy. Maybe I finally was? But the answer was not so simple. I could feel myself changing. Knew that there was something going on inside my body that medicine and science could not explain. I knew that the dreams. That the darke places that I did not want to go, held the answers to what was happening to me. To the others that I had found that were like me.

So I checked into it more. And what I started to find terrified me and made me realize that there is a lot more to this world, to this existence than most people will ever understand or know. But they need too, you all need too. Because it affects all of us, what is coming will change all of us and everything.

©2016, Aelfwynn MacGregor, AMB