When Darkeness Breathes...

III Enough

Enough was enough. I couldn't do this anymore. I could not listen to the doctors around me, to the anger that was building inside of me. I was not crazy, this was not in my head. There was something happening to me. I was changing, becoming something...I don't know, more, different. I would not be called crazy though. It was time to face the darkeness. How do you stare into the face of evil? How do you walk away from it and remain sane?

I mentioned others. There were other people like me, everyone I met was within my age by five years. The first person I met was a girl. She was two years younger than me. It was weird, because at first, I was completely creeped out by her. I wanted nothing to do with her. Then I realized, that this is what everyone felt when they were around me. So I changed my tactics. I tried to get to know her instead. It was hard, repulsed was a good word. But I battled the impulse and eventually it went away. Then we started talking, actually talking. A conversation. It was normal at first, that stupid mundane mumbling that people do when they first meet and have no idea what they have in common. Then I am not sure how it happened, but one of us mentioned our childhood. And that's when she started to talk.

She said that no matter how hard she tried, there were gaping wholes in her memory from when she was younger. No one else in her family had this issue, just her. She tried to ask her mother about it once, but she said that she had stared at her like she was crazy, so she never asked again. But she said that she had noticed, that where the gaps ended, it was like everything in her world had been turned upside down. She had lived a good life, her family was happy, healthy and comfortable. And suddenly, that was all shattered.  There was no reason. Everything just ended.

It was an uncomfortable silence. I could see her confusion and sadness. She was lonely. Heartbroken. She had been carrying the weight of that admission with her for a long time. When she suddenly brought up the nightmares. Terrors where more like it, she said. Deep darke and terrible dreams that left her terrified and scared. But that never left no lasting memories of content.

She also brought up the pain. The constant aches and feelings of bruises though there was never any sign or evidence of injury. She hurt alot. But there was nothing to validate it. So she stayed busy, stayed moving, falling into exhausted sleep at night as a way to cope. There were no answers. But I don't think she was looking for them either. It was too much. Had been too much.

It struck me then the coincidences. She never really mentioned it again after that time. And swiftly the friendship ended, but not before I took some knowledge away with me. I was not alone. There were others that were going through what I was going through. So I needed to search for answers. But I had no clue were to look, or begin. But that would not stop me. I needed to know.

The internet was my first option.

©2016, Aelfwynn MacGregor, AMB