When Darkeness Breathes...

XIV. Darke

It wasn't really long after that, that a type of depression set in for me. I felt so alone, so misunderstood and lost. These feelings overwhelmed me and I could not find any place that I felt like I belonged. I was so desperate for an escape. To get away from the feelings inside of me that I could not understand. I was sad, I was argumentative. Truly, I did not know what to blame for the changes,but it felt hopeless all the same.

Everyone blamed it on being a teenager. But it was so much more, so much deeper. I was nothing like the other kids my age. The way I felt, the way that I viewed the world. I was a decade ahead of them. I did not want the teenage things, the parties, the boys...the drugs. This did not interest me. But no one could understand. I think I scared them a little. Hell, I had no idea why I was feeling this way. All I knew,was that all my relationships around me were falling apart and I was destitute.

It was while I was weak, that someone took advantage of my loneliness.Of my youth. Battered mentally in ways that are hard to explain, hard to admit. Like a deep, recessed pit that had to be crawled out of again and again on bruised and bloodied knees. Those darke pits of despair were more damaging than anything else ever has been. I lost myself. Lost the person that I was.

A baby was born. A leight in my darke. A reason to make me realize once again that I mattered. I changed, strengthened. And I dumped all my baggage at the curb.

It was hard, sometimes terrifying. But also exhilarating! And Love! So much love. It helped with the darkeness.

Recovered Memory:

When she was 2 months old, I awoke to cries, they were pitiful and desperate. She slept next to my bed, in a carrier. I could not move.T here was something standing above her. I could not fully see. My eyes could not move the necessary distance to focus on it. My side vision only registering a shape and shaded color. I FELT HER TERROR! She was only 2 months old and even she knew to be scared. I felt my terror rise. What was happening? Why was it here? But there were no words, no sounds. Just the screams that resounded within my brain and skull, over and over again. It was her they sought. My leight. My beauty. Then there was no more. Just darke.

©2016 Aelfwynn MacGregor, AMB