I've been losing so many things lately.
whether it be my friends, myself, or battles in general that I constantly fight, I am losing.
Flashback four months ago,
it's all over.
Everything.
Everyone.
I am nothing but scum to them.
Me being such a piece of shit justifies the torture.
The laughing.
The making fun of.
The bullying all in one.
Justified.
I lost people I wasn't even aware I lost.
I gave these people warnings and told them if they wanted to leave, they should.
I lost people that didn't tell me a goodbye, or even a see you later.
They just, disappeared.
I felt it coming on, I felt the feeling of them thinking "she seems weird maybe I should stay away" or "she's such a rude bitch" or more.
Whatever it was, I felt it.
I felt the waves of anxiety everyday walking into that god forsaken cafeteria, knowing someone else would now be gone.
I felt every hit of every dirty look I got from those that once tried to save me.
That is the irony of all of this; the ones that tried to save me before, have pushed me back into this deep depressing abyss once again.
I felt every wave crash in my mind, flood the town of my heart, and release the excess of death through my tears.
I felt it all.
I lost this battle.
Flashback to six months ago, the big battle started to begin.
My depression.
Holy fuck, that is something I thought I'd never say again.
My battle with depression has been going on for 3 years now. It has torn me down, and motivated me to stitch myself back up over and over many times before.
At first, I didn't want to admit to myself it was getting severe again, but it took my life like a storm.
That storm was already brewing even before, and I prepared to save myself with the hurricane shutter I refered to as my friends.
Those shutters, were gone before I knew it.
No support.
Two months later, the storm hits.
Two months later, I am dead.
I am no longer in my mind, but in a panicked state off in another different world.
I fought and fought to get out, but one storm was followed by many and once again I lost.
All I could do was evacuate and find a better place, and so I did.
I found a home in newer, kinder folks.
We gathered together one by one and built an empire that made me feel loved.
It made me feel safe.
Then, it hit again, and harder before.
This time, no screens to speak through, but person to person contact causing me to get knocked down.
I am a nightmare.
I am no longer me.
I am torn by thorns through the rose bushes of social media and harassment.
I am torn to shreads.
I am gone.
Now here I am, in the present, and still fighting my way.
They say words don't hurt like sticks and stones, but sometimes they can be the same exact thing.
I have fought this battle since the beginning of the year now.
I may have lost, but I have won.
I persevered into the light, and I found something better.
My motivation.
Staying strong may not be easy, but I promise to get to the opening at the end of this tunnel known as 2016.
