Ashes

Mistake

I still remember his touch, the way his slender and cold fingers felt against my body, how his eyes burnt holes in my skin whenever he looked at me, even if only distractedly-- the fact he was oblivious to it all made it seem so largely irrelevant.

He brushed my cheeks with such nonchalance, ruffled my hair playfully, captured my lips in sloppy kisses.

His mouth had been on so many others' before it wasn't such a big deal for him, he was too drunk to remember it afterwards anyway.

That's why whenever we ended up drinking together I never passed my limit, on the contrary I wanted to remember each and everything that happened.

But once things got a little bit out of hand-- I should have stopped him, prevented it from happening, I knew he was far gone, wasn't himself and he wouldn't have understood a simple question such as 'what's your name'- he had poured down litres of alcohol and mixed substances, while instead I was still conscious, and probably selfish.

We were lying on the soft sand of the beach, next to each other, so close I could hear him breath, could feel his chest moving when he inhaled-- we were both shirtless, never knew what happened to our clothes, and so fucking drunk.

He seemed to be absent, kept staring at the sky full of stars, the cold breeze made my naked skin crawl yet for some reason I didn't want to put my t-shirt back on, liked feeling his skin against mine, even if only barely..

Then he suddenly spoke, although he didn't make sense and was so confused I had to concentrate to follow what he was saying-

"You know, there should be a star named after you"

I was caught off guard, couldn't understand where this was going but if there was a thing I was sure of in that moment, was that I wanted to know.

''Are you gonna buy me a star then?''

I turned my head, looked at him, but his gaze was still lost somewhere above him, made his Adam's apple look so much more evident.

''No that's bullshit"

''Then what?''

''There should be a star named after you, so that I can follow it when I lose my way-- to get back on the right path''

To be honest, he never made much sense- he was always so hectic and difficult to understand and in that moment I was so busy processing the whole star thing I didn't stop to reflect on what exactly he meant, why he should have left the right path and how I could have been the one to avoid it-- but then he got on his side, stared at me for so long I started feeling uncomfortable under his scrutiny so I looked back at him, we locked eyes and then before I knew it his mouth was on mine and he got on top of me-- sat on my stomach, his legs each side of my body and his hands planted firmly at the sides of my head.

Then he breathed in, left unwanted space between our faces, stopped a few inches away, looked at me intensively, as if looking for approval, then neared just enough to brush my lips-- kept shifting his gaze from my eyes to my mouth.

It felt like he was restraining himself and I wanted to tell him to kiss me already, because his teasing hurt so fucking much but my heart beat so fast it made it impossible for me to speak.

It wasn't necessary though, because soon after he lowered his face, captured my lips in his, I closed my eyes and wished he'd never stop.

He bit at my lower lip tentatively, asking for entrance and I gladly let him. Wasted no time and immediately put his tongue in, rubbed it against mine and then savoured the insides of my mouth hungrily.