Ashes

Thorns

'No rose without a thorn but many a thorn without a rose'
-Schopenhauer

'I fall upon the thorns of life! I bleed!'
-Shelley

It's during the night that you miss a person the most. When you turn around in the bed, aimlessly, can't find the right position and suddenly it seems as if the bed was made of sharp thorns, scratching your skin- when you spread your arms on the duvet and the only thing you find is emptiness.

And that's what awaits you when you wake up, the dawn clearly visible outside the window, and you're alone, completely alone, chained by your thoughts.

And it's when you can't fall asleep that you start to wonder- and so I do, I wonder what it must feel like for my parents to sleep in the same bed and I wonder what Blake must have felt when he saw his sleeping in two different rooms for the first time and then in two different houses.

I wonder if after all Ash brought that blonde girl from last night home, if they ended up fucking again and if he was violent or whispered sweet nothings in her ear.

And I wonder what those girls feel, when they give all themselves for a one night stand that it's not going to last more than it's supposed to, when they feel the hands of a stranger touch their most intimate parts for the very first and last time.

And I wonder what Ash must feel like, filling his bed with a different girl every night yet he's the loneliest.

And I wonder what Mike must have felt when he woke up after the best night of his life, and he was alone.

I wonder what Colton must have felt when he too slept alone for the first time after ages, I wonder if he cried himself to sleep, if maybe I should have been there for him, that first night.

Maybe I should have- I noticed many days after, cause he'd come back home in the mornings, usually inebriated, would wait sat outside, on the porch, until someone let him in. Or the few times he preferred not to leave the house he'd come knocking at my door, asking if my bed was big enough for two (or if I wanted to sleep with him in his room, which was a no, because that would have meant getting up and walking).

And I'd say that yes, it was, but it was gonna be the last time- it never really was though, in the end I didn't mind too much, sometimes I felt lonely too. So he'd fall asleep next to me, buried under the duvet and there I would leave him when I headed out.

But tonight he still hasn't come back though, doesn't surprise me but at the same time doesn't stop me from grabbing my phone, 'send new message', I click-

'Are you coming back home for the night?' I type, and then let myself fall on my double bed, cross my arms over my head and shut my eyes, my phone lying next to me.

I almost fall asleep and it would have been just legit, wasn't it for the fact that I was still not wearing pajamas but then I hear my mobile buzzing, shining bright- it's 1am and I haven't noticed the hours passing, my eyelids are heavy and the room is dark.

'Am not, sleeping at Blake's, go to sleep baby boy'

It makes me smile because he seems to be in a good mood, despite the time and I'm not sure he's not lying, but it still comforts me, to know that he's not crushing in some random place with no idea of where he is- know that Blake cares, wouldn't let him do anything hazardous.

'Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, have fun you two ;)'

And it's only a couple of minutes before I get his reply,

'I'll keep an eye on him for you, don't you worry' he writes,

makes me blush the palest shade of red because really, what was he saying? He likes making fun of me, treating me as if I were a spoiled brat- it's only his way of showing love though, in his own unique kind of way.