Ashes

Fire

Ash has always been like an earthquake in a calm valley, turned my life upside down, made me feel alive.
Indeed, that's what seeing him after 3 years felt like.
I felt the ground under my feet missing-- it was like falling from a cliff of unknown height.

Yet he completely disappeared again-- it's been a week and I have not seen him since, not even distractedly on my way to work, nor coming home in the middle of the night, it's like he's never returned and I have made all of this up.

But still, he can't exit my mind, can't exit my thoughts, my brain, because he lit the fire inside of me once again, that same fire I had tried so hard to extinguish, covered it with ashes. Gave me life once again, but the flames burn too hot.

That's why my brother has been forcing me to go out, live life, be his cute little wing- and that's why, on a Friday night, I find myself seated in the back of his old pick up, a visibly annoyed look on my face, a white clean shirt with the sleeves rolled up to my elbows.

Colton sits in the driver's place, whistling while he drives quietly, with his arm resting on the open window and Blake is next to him, in all his magnifying beauty and embarrassing perfection, looks at me from the front mirror ever so sneakily.

My brother forced me to come, said it'd do me good to stop thinking about Ash for once, that it's the 'right' place to meet people -and I wonder what he means by that, because everyone is drunk, high and horny at such parties- to get distracted, and I don't really get much choice. Not when Blake, my brother's childhood best friend, interferes-- insists that I should come too, that we can have fun together.

And so here I am, looking sheepishly back at Blake, feeling so damn young even if he's only 4 years older.

When we arrive Colton stops the engine, parks next to a few other cars in front of an enormous villa. I can hear the horrible daunting music from outside, can see the blinding lights and smell the weed in the air- disgusting, makes me wanna throw up.

But still, I open the car door, hop out with a not so athletic jump and I feel so out of place.
Can already see all those guys and girls in the poorly lit front yard, going at it, wildly, carelessly--

''Geez Jay, shoot me a smile, come on, it's gonna be fun!'' Colton says, notices my tenseness, my nervousness.

''It's not. I'm so so going to regret it'' I sulk.

''Don't be so pessimistic Mr. Grumpy, you won't be alone'' it's Blake this time, puts a hand on my shoulder in a comforting gesture, squeezes it.

''Yeah, tell me again how lucky I am?'' I snort sarcastically, my brother punches me softly on the arm, sticks his tongue out at me.

''You know what, I think I'm gonna get going, I'll leave you two lovebirds some time for yourselves'' he winks, waving us goodbye after receiving the middle finger from Blake and makes his way to the entrance, drawing all the girls' attention on him and I can already predict how the night is going to end.

Meanwhile my cheeks have turned pink and I'm so grateful for the absence of the light, hope he doesn't notice-

Colton has this strange belief, that Blake and I would be the perfect couple, that he would heal my wounds, that I would be taken care of for once instead of always taking care of others. And my mother agrees, too, says that she would be glad to become grandma---

''That fucker'' he laughs, affectionately though, can feel the love leaping from his voice, passes a hand trough his hair embarrassingly.

He looks me straight in the eyes, his so pure, clean unlike Ash's- has his blonde hair perfectly combed, some strands coming on his face, make him look that tiny little bit more human. To be honest, he's flawless, and not only to me but objectively- it's a matter of fact, and I don't think anyone would dare say otherwise.