My mask of happiness.

Chapter ten

I woke up to the sound of birds chirping, I sat up slowly and looked over at Isabella, she was fast asleep still. I took a deep breath with my eyes closed and opened them back as I breathed back out. Soaking in everything around me, how everything was so peaceful and only the sound of nature could be heard. Birds singing their songs proudly and confident, the light wind brushing through the trees that sounded so calming. The sun shining through the crack in the curtains so beautifully. The world seemed so content and peaceful compared to what was going through my head. I wanted to make the most of this little pointless moment because to me it was one of the rare moments that I was enjoying and I honestly didn't want it to stop. 

I stretched my arms up and yawned then climbed out of bed, quietly, as I did not want to wake Isabella up. She deserved a good sleep after everything she did for me last night. Dragging myself to the bathroom I turned the shower on, got undressed and got in. I liked the water really hot so it stung my skin, maybe I'm weird for doing that, but maybe I'm not the only one, I can't explain the feeling it gives me but it kind of makes me feel alive. It reminds me that I am. Everyone knows that the shower is the best spot for a thinking place, and I did just that but started overthinking every little detail in my life that I did not like or was not happy with and I had no idea how to change these feelings towards myself. I just wanted to be happy with myself but I couldn't help thinking bad things. 

"Look at yourself in the mirror..."  The words echoed in my head. "You're disgusting Eva, you need to make yourself sick now."  I closed my eyes tightly and put my head under the water streaming out of the shower hoping to block the voices out but they just got louder and louder. "You fat mess, oh dear, do you really think you can block us out?" "Did you?" Different voices started laughing at me coming from different directions in my head. I turned the shower off and ran to the toilet, leaned over it as tears started to fall down my cheeks. I took a glance in the mirror at the other side of the bathroom and cried more, counting all the imperfections on my body. The voices started again but this time screaming at me, "See, fat, fat, fat.". I stood up and started shouting like a crazy women, "STOP, STOP, STOP!" I screamed as I bashed my head against the bathroom wall repeatedly then I felt really dizzy and saw the blood drip onto the floor from my head. Fuck, I thought to myself. I had to clean up the mess and my head before Isabella saw what I had done even though I knew she would of woke up from all the noise I had been making, she would be so disappointed so I had to think of a quick story to tell her. "I slipped in shower and bashed my head, yeah, I will say that." I whispered to myself like I needed reassuring on the idea.