My mask of happiness.

Chapter one

I sat at my desk in college, tapping my pen on the table. Tap. Tap. Tap. I was utterly zoned out, in my own world and wasn't paying any attention.

"Eva, are you listening to a word I'm saying?" Mr Bennett questioned. I looked up at him with my facial expression completely blank. He carried on staring at me while the whole class turned to where I was sitting.

"Yes Sir" I mumbled eventually. He carried on with the lesson but I was still not concentrating, why was I finding it so hard to pay attention? All I was feeling was complete emptiness but also so much hurt at the same time. I started to feel alone, I looked around at all the pretty girls in my class, how happy they all looked. I wished I could be like them, I felt like I had to be just like those so-called beautiful girls, I suddenly started to worry about my image again, how I had been skipping meals but yet I still didn't feel good enough with myself when I look in the mirror.

I was finally home, with no one around. I liked being alone so I didn't have to explain why I was so down all the time, but didn't want to be lonely either. I dumped my bag on the floor in my room and sat down at the end of my bed, I had a large mirror in my room, I saw myself in it and instantly regretted having lunch today. "Why did you have to eat this?" I whispered to myself with disappointment. I looked in the mirror closely, wiping away the tear that streamed down my cheek, I pointed out in my head every single flaw I had, big or small. I started to think about everything more, over thinking, I did that a lot. I told myself I would try get better, but I couldn't think positively anymore. I had to do what made me feel better when I felt like this. I went to my draw and pulled out a box, I reached in and looked at my blades and started contemplating whether or not I should, I've gotten so far without resulting back to self-harm. I decided that I should sleep instead. I like sleeping when I get in these low moods, it's like for that moment while i'm asleep, I don't feel anything, all my problems just disappear, it feels like i'm temporarily dead. No problems, no pain, no feelings. Then you wake up and it wears off, you're exactly the same as before. Or worse.

I woke up hours later, still feeling low. I checked my phone and had messages from my boyfriend. I felt a bit better knowing I could speak to him about anything, he knew about me and what I was going through. He encouraged me to go to a doctor and get help but I felt like that would be too difficult, and it would be distressing for me, so I always put it off. I knew the chances were that I had depression, I did want help, but I felt like I didn't deserve it, I felt like this was all my fault, that it must be happening for a reason, but what did I do to deserve this?I tried to think about something else, to distract myself from my negative thoughts. I tried to just push my feelings away and tried to forget about everything. But that's easier said than done.