Those Five Words

20.

Chapter 20

BEATRICE POV

I am lying on my bed for what will be the last time. Tomorrow is my Choosing Ceremony. I know I am leaving; there is no way I can stay here. I am not selfless enough for Abnegation. I have proven that over and over again. I can't be like Caleb, I don't even think to ask if someone would like some help. I usually only realise after I have been told to help.

My aptitude test results were Abnegation, Erudite and Dauntless. Well Abnegation is definitely out. If I chose Erudite my father would probably have a heart attack or send a bolt of lightning my way next time there is a storm. So that leaves Dauntless. I have always loved watching the Dauntless, seeing how free they are. I love watching them jump on and off the trains; maybe tomorrow that is what I will be doing. Maybe if I choose Dauntless I won't feel the guilt I feel over Tobias. Not having to see his father everyday or his house or the places we used to play, maybe then I can start to not feel so guilty about what I said.

Mum told me I needed to forgive myself, that I was being selfish. That I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself. She seems to think that Tobias would never have wanted me to feel this way. I know she is right and I know that Tobias would never have wanted me to be living like this. But I can't help it, I am selfish, I know I am. Plus it just hurts that I don't have my friend anymore.

We were never supposed to enjoy ourselves and with Tobias I did. I even sometimes wonder if that is why he was taken away. Because we were both selfish, so it is somehow punishment for not being the true Abnegation children we were supposed to be. We were always in trouble, but it was worth it just to hear him laugh. He had the best laugh and the cutest smile. If only I could see that smile one more time.

^-^

Marcus has just called my name. I have to choose but all thoughts of Dauntless have just been wiped from my thoughts. All I can think of is Caleb. How could he betray our parents like that? He was supposed to be the good son, the selfless one and now he has just joined Erudite. This makes my decision all that harder. Do I finally do the most selfless act I could possibly think of or do I leave, like I have intended to do for the last nine years.

I walk up to Marcus who hands me a knife. I look at the bowls and then I cut the palm of my hand. I hold my hand to my chest and look at the two bowls that are next to each other. Abnegation or Dauntless? I thrust my arm out and my blood has dropped onto the carpet between the two bowls. I still don't know what I am going to choose when Marcus makes a sound; I think that he may be upset that I have dropped blood on the carpet. I look up at Marcus and all that I see staring back at me are the same colour blue eyes that Tobias had. My decision is made; I hear my blood sizzle onto the coals.

I am selfish. I want to be brave.

^-^

I am standing on the roof of the Dauntless compound with Christina. We have just met on our train ride from the Choosing Ceremony. I have finally had the chance to jump on and jump off a moving train. It is already making me feel Dauntless. Although I am going to need a little more practise at both, I have never been the most agile person and it has shown today.

I wonder what other crazy stunts they may have in store for us today when someone starts shouting at us. "Listen up! My name is Max! I am one of the leaders of your new faction! Several stories below us is the members' entrance to our compound. If you can't muster the will to jump, you don't belong here. Our initiates have the privilege of going first."

"You want us to jump of a ledge?" asks an Erudite girl with her mouth hanging open.

What faction did she think she was joining? We have just jumped on and off a train I don't understand how this could shock anyone.

"Yes," Max says. He looks amused.

"Is there water at the bottom or something?"

"Who knows?" He raises his eyebrows.

I want to be brave; this is going to help me on my quest to become the brave Dauntless that I am hoping to be. I walk toward the ledge and hear snickers behind me.

Max steps aside, leaving my way clear. I walk up to the edge and look down. Wind whips through my clothes, making the fabric snap. The building I'm on forms one side of a square with three other buildings. In the centre of the square is a huge hole in the concrete. I can't see what's at the bottom of it.

This is a scare tactic. I will land safely at the bottom. That knowledge is the only thing that helps me step onto the ledge. My teeth chatter. I can't back down now. Not with all the people betting I'll fail behind me. My hands fumble along the collar of my shirt and find the button that secures it shut. After a few tries, I unto the hooks from collar to hem, and pull it off my shoulders.

I look at the hole again. Goose bumps rise on my pale arms, and my stomach lurches. If I don't do it now, I won't be able to do it at all. I swallow hard.

The air howls in my ears as the ground surges toward me, growing and expanding, or I surge toward the ground, my heart pounding so fast it hurts, every muscle in my body tensing as the falling sensation drags at my stomach. The hole surrounds me and I drop into darkness.