#JustWriteIt #TrueStory Thru my eyes into my mind

Take it day by day and step by step

Ever since eighth grade things have been both good and bad for me, mostly bad. I was fighting against myself and with people around me. I was strong till my second year of my upper secondary school. The day before winter break 2014 I broke down infront of my teacher, just because she thought it would be better if I just went home. Why she had got that thought was I was really on a bad mood and my thoughts are the blame for that.

For years I had hide my true colors and just in seconds I let my wall down. My thoughts was: Am I really that weak? Just like that you destroyed years of hiding.

Just like that, infront of my teacher, I let the tears slide down my cheek and let my mouth just talk, and not really think of what I was saying. I started to cry because of that she wanted to send me home, but the same morning I had trouble with getting up and get ready for school.

 After a while she sends me to the welfare officer. I sat with her for two hours, but my story had just begun after we were finish. But I can admit that I felt a little bit better, like a weight had been taken from my shoulders. It was a start on something good, but my mind did not agree with my heart.

If I would explain it, my mind was very angry and tried to make me feel worse. I can say with own words that it got to me, and it was also the start on something bad just like it was a start on something good. That is how my mind works, if it makes any sense.

I met with the welfare officer so often I could, but for me it was not good enough. I got even worse and I became my own worst enemy. I could not even look myself in the mirror, because I knew it was not me in it. That was probably the worst felling. The feeling you get when you are not yourself.

At the same time I  was lost and broken, I started hurting others with my temper, so instead of hurting others I started isolate myself from the rest of the world. Because if I hurted others I aslo hurted myself, so that was and still is a weak spot that I have that my mind can use to destory me and make me disappear. And it did almost managed to that.

I did feel all this while I still had the meetings with the welfare officer. It got even worse when the summer break came. I can admit that I love breaks, but not long once because things gets even more worse than it already is. So at the end of the summer I could not take it any more, so I contacted the youth clinice, and there I got in contact with their welfare officer. I got some answer, but not those that I wanted.

I still remember the days I pushed myself out of the bed, and I also remember those I did not leave the bed till the afternoon, except going to the bathroom. My mind was full of demons, and up till this day it still is, but not as much as it has been.  

In february 2016 (this year) I did my first and only, so far, home made scars on my skin. The night that I made them I was not myself. I had hurt me so deep so my mind took the controll over my body. I do not remember much, but I do remember the pain. 

I told my family, friends and the welfare officer and it took one week before I got a call from mom. She told me I was going to the psychiatry, to get to bottom with this. But it took time before I got the answer and the medication that I needed.

Before I could get my medication I talk to a psychologist for some weeks, just so she could hear what it was that was wrong with me. After two or three meetings she said that I got depression. I was not chocked because I had looked up the symptoms from depression, because I knew there was something wrong with me. But I am not really a doctor, so I could not really say that it was anything wrong with me, but it would be weird if there would not be.

But this happened a couple month ago and I can tell that I am feeling better, but just a little bit. The medicin I got helps me so I am not longer going so deep in my thoughts when I am feeling down. Most people would think that the medicine that a person with depression gets would be like a happy pills, but the truth is that it is not. We can still feel bad sometimes, like a human should be, but with that pill it helps you to be on the level that everyody else are on.   

So yes I feel better and when I am down, I do not fall into my deep dark thoughts any more. But the truth is still that I still have some of them, but that is okay. It is just a start on a new begining for me and I need just wait and see if things turn around or not, but I hope for the best. A pill can not change me only I can.