Paper Hearts (Re-write)

Chapter 19: (not) myself

Y/n: I've known him my whole life, how can I just let him go? I can't do that. I can't... I could barely go a week without us talking. he can be douche bag sometimes but he's my best friend. He helped me through a lot. He helped me bring my grades up when they were low. He helped me with the bakery. What am i going to do without him? I have to talk to him but I don't know what to say. I'm sorry for not noticing your feelings and for breaking you but let's put that behind us. I can't say that. I just need to figure it out quick. But it's Myungsoo and I, we can get through this eventually, right?

Seulgi: I don't know y/n...

Y/n: what do you mean 'you don't know'. You're supposed to tell me "yes y/n, eventually" so I can feel a bit better.

Seulgi: I'm just telling you what I think. You know how Myungsoo can be. This is big y/n. He's not going to just let this go.

Y/n: and you think I am? Myungsoo is my family. Even if my parents loved him as if he's the son they never had. Myungsoo wants nothing to do with me. He's not responding to either of us. We need to to go to his dorm to check if he's okay.

Seulgi: just give him some time to think about it. I'm sure he's fine. You should take some time to think too.

Y/n: I'm like so close to having a freaking panic attack and you're telling me to give it time. I don't want time. I want to check on myungsoo.

Seulgi: y/n... sh- calm down. where is your medicine?

Y/n: it's in the top drawer.

She gets up from my bed and walks into the kitchen to get me a glass of water. She hands me it and I take it. She pulls out the drawer and grabs the medicine. She opens one and hands me it. She sits back down and smiles. I sigh and swallow the pill down.

Seulgi: if you want I'll go see him.

Y/n: please.

Seulgi: but I don't want to leave you by yourself

Y/n: go! Besides, the pill makes me drowsy.

Seulgi: fine. It's 9:30. It's still early enough to go to his house.

Y/n: if he's there.

Seulgi: I'm sure he is.

Y/n: but-

Seulgi: no- you just go to sleep. We will talk tomorrow. Okay?

Y/n: okay

She gets up and leaves my room. I hear the front door close. I lay down and stare at the ceiling. Hopefully, he's home and that seulgi is there to comfort him. I need to calm down. Just think happy thoughts and I'll be asleep soon. But I can't. I try to think about Hoseok. He makes me happy.

"Say you chose hoseok."

Its like I'm there again. I hear his voice so clearly. It pains me.

"God, I would have died for you!"

No... just stop thinking about it y/n!

"and suddenly you need me. Don't coming looking for me"

I feel my tears flowing down my cheeks to wet my hair. I'm losing everything. Everyone I care about.

"It felt I was watching you slip out of my fingers. For the longest time, I've been trying to hold on to you."

What if eventually Hoseok slips though mine? What if I lose him too? Why all of sudden does it feel like I'm destined to be alone? I get up and open the drawer and take out my medicine. I push down and twist and take another out. I swallow it. Should I take another?