Depressive Chaos

Chapter 7

Louis POV

The ceiling is all I can bring my gaze to as I'm thinking about him. I hate that he is my main concern in this life. I want me to be better, I need to recover and to become a better person but all I want to do is waste away into nothing. Mainly, I need to recover pretty quickly because performing on stage takes energy and I have no fuel to run off of. I get up and walk to my kitchen. Looking through the cabinets, I hardly see any food. I spot a cup of instant ramen and settle on that. I boil some water on the tea kettle and begin looking for a drink. All I really want is alcohol, I know it isn't good for me but maybe the sugar will help revive me? I don't know. I want to be numb.

There's a small wine cooler in my fridge, well about six of them but I grab one and crack it open. As I take one big gulp, my kettle whistles loudly, reminding me of my headache, which is most likely due to dehydration. I shut the kettle off and fill my cup, and grab a fork. Heading to the living room, I turn on the TV. It's TMZ, and front and center I see Harry and Clarissa. Something is different.. it's a ring. Not on her ring finger but her other hand. It looks expensive.. it couldn't be? Oh why do I care? I change the channel and settle on Animal Planet.

I start to eat my noodles and watch the small gazelles play with each other. While chugging the rest of my drink, I stand up to get another from the fridge, maybe two. While standing in the kitchen I drink the second one as fast as possible so that I only have one can with me in the living room. As quick as a blink I start to feel tipsy. I open the other can and start to walk into the living room and I hear the door lock turning. Paranoia strikes me like a bolt of lightning and I freeze. The doorknob turns.

Harry. It's him, he's standing at my doorway with glassy eyes, like he's been crying for a while. I don't know what to say. He shuts the door behind him and walks up to me and hugs me. He towers over me and I feel safe in that moment. My body wants to accept him and my mind is rejecting this as a hallucination. He feels as though he's shaking, and my instincts take over. "Oh Harry." I grab his arm and lead him to my couch. His eyes are making my heart want to burst out of my chest. The bloodshot color of the whites of his eyes makes the green pop like emeralds. His nose is red and his eyes are puffy.

I know I should be angry. I know it. I just can't. "What happened?" He seems like he's trying to catch his breath and he stutters before he manages to get out, "I need you. I need you in my life. I never ever wanted to hurt you Louis." He seems broken by these words because his voice cracks at the end and it starts another tsunami of tears. I take another giant sip of my drink, feeling heavily tipsy and pull him into an embrace. I smell his hair.. he smells like home. This familiar scent of musky vanilla and his cologne. "I missed you." He choked between sobs.

"I missed you too." I know I missed him, and I want to kick him out and make him realize just how much he hurt me but he owns my heart even if he doesn't realize it. "Are you drunk?" I ask. He shakes his head no, "But I see you might be." He gestures to my drink. I grin, "It may be possible.". Harry quiets down a bit and I can tell he's calming down. "I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, Louis. But I hope that we can be friends. I hope you can learn to trust me again." Friends. The word made my stomach drop.

"Yea.." I said quietly, "but if you hurt me one more time I will never talk to you again. And I mean it." He nodded and hugged me again. He put his face in the crook of my neck and I can feel his warm breath, and his lips brushing my skin. It sends shivers down my spine and I try my best not to make it obvious how he makes me feel. Since he doesn't feel that way anymore. Suddenly it gets quiet. "Can we go lay down?" He says so meekly I almost don't hear him. "T-together?" I reply. I feel him nod his head, "Like old times.."

I ponder this statement.. is it a good idea? Alcohol is in my system and I am going to blame it on my poor judgement but I want this. I want to lay with him so badly. I want to wake up and see him laying there, peacefully with his mouth slightly open and breathing heavily. What I really want is to kiss his skin and play with his hair and trace his beauty marks until his eyes flutter open and he smiles at me. That wonderful beautiful smile that can make me feel like the only person in the world.

"Let's go." I feel him release a breath as if he had been holding it hostage waiting for my response. We stand up in unison and walk to my room.