Depressive Chaos

Chapter 8

Harry's POV

This bed.. I took my clothes off so that I was only in boxers. I could see Louis looking at me and I peered over at him. He quickly looked down at his feet and blushed as he pretended to just take his shirt off, leaving him only in sweatpants. He looks so fragile. Looking at him I can see the shadow of his ribs that are starting to protrude and his hip bones poking out noticeably.

He sees me looking at him and I can tell he seems embarrassed. "I know." He mumbled. He just climbed into bed and pulled the duvet over him. "Are you sure you want to sleep in the same room?" I laughed, "Yes I'm sure, but one question?" He looked at me with eyes that said go on. "Are you really gonna sleep with socks on Lou?" He bust out laughing but he then pretty normally said, "I get cold very easily.". This was strange because he was always warm. Like a small furnace for me. I assume because he lost so much weight he has no insulation. Thrown off guard, I just climbed into bed and turned to my side.

The moonlight from the window was lighting Louis face and his skin looks pale and porcelain. Not a single flaw on him. He looked back at me and I couldn't read his expression. "Won't Clarissa be mad that you're here?" He sort of seethes. "I don't want to hear her name Lou, it's just you and me here and she doesn't matter. It's only us." Louis has tears in his eyes from this statement but he turn to face away from me. I can feel him shaking on the other side of the bed. Is he crying? Is he cold?

Holding him is all I can think about. I move a bit closer to him. Should I? It's like his body is crying for me and who am I to deny him that right? I reach an arm out and I grab him by his stomach and scoop him into my arms. This familiar position. His body feels so frail and small and I feel the need to protect him. His body grows hotter and mine does too from the contact of our skin. He's so soft, I set my nose of the nape of his neck and I smell him, the smell of a warm day, the smell makes me remember cooking in the kitchen together and laughing as we burn everything just to end up dancing and kissing night away. My heart is beating so fast I think I might die and then I hear him. A small hum, the sound of content? His breathing is slow and small and I hold him just a little tighter.

"Is this okay?" Lou asks faintly. "I think so love." I tense up.. I called him love. A name that felt so right that it felt like it belonged to him but I knew that I overstepped. But he didn't say anything he just wrapped his legs into mine and he fell asleep within minutes. Probably because he was drinking and maybe it was wrong of me to do this when he's impaired but I hoped that in the morning he wont push me away again. Even if I can only have him from a distance I crave him like a plant craves the sunlight. He was my sunlight. I'm just not sure what I'm doing. Friends can cuddle right? Fuck I'm getting myself in too deep.