Letters To No One

Letter #8: Remembering a Life and a Death

Losing you was one of the hardest things I've ever had to endure. I remember the day I first saw you, sitting in that cage among your sisters. Out of all the others in there I saw you. I wasn't much older than four and you were just a baby.
You chirped at me through the bars as I stroked your soft fur.
I remember the day you came home. We loved you from the start. You were my best friend. I used to hold you, and pet you, and sing to you. I guess I should've expected things to go wrong when I noticed you gaining weight faster than normal. You had always been big, but that was my favorite thing about you, I could rest my head on your big belly and listen to you purr.
I knew that your weight would eventually be an issue. So I put you on a diet. I hoped by helping you to lose some weight it would lower your risk of disease. You had begun spending more time upstairs than downstairs, where your food was, and so we decided to use that to our advantage. It helped for a little bit.
I found the first lump nine months before the end. I cried when I left you at the vet for your surgery. That night I wrote down everything I loved about you, in case you didn't pull through. The list was two pages long. When the doctor called the next morning to let us know that you were doing fine I cried again. We brought you home and you got better. You were happier and more playful. But you still continued gaining weight.
I found the next lump over Christmas. I knew it was over at this point, but I couldn't face it, so I didn't tell anyone. I just gave you more kisses, and sung to you more, and read to you, and made sure to tell you how much I loved you.
I remember coming home from a trip and you were nowhere to be found. I searched the house until I found you hidden away in the closet. You were so tired and frail. We decided to let things take their course, and for the next month and a half I came home expecting the worst. I kept you in my room at night so if you left I'd be with you. You had stopped eating and stopped moving. I brushed you every night to keep you clean. I started reading you my favorite book in hopes that you would stay with me until the end.
But you were too sick. So, we took you to the vet. It was over. I held you the whole way there and you slept as I cried. I was shaking as we took you in the cold building, I could feel the sweat building underneath my jacket. They put you on the cold, hard table, and injected the liquid into your arm. I held my hand over your heart and I sobbed as I felt it stop. They closed your eyes and you were gone.
Did it hurt?
Were you sad about leaving?
Do you miss me?
Do you know that I still visit your grave?
You were my best friend, and I love you for that. I wish I could've saved you, but I know you had to go. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, your love got me through some of the toughest days of my life. I miss you everyday.