Letters To No One

Letter #16: A List

This last year has been the toughest I've ever gone through. I never dreamed I could endure so much heartbreak in one year, but here I am on the first day of 2017 to say: I'm alive. I did it. I fucking did it.

And on that note I've made a list of everything that made me want to give up, and I will lay it out right here so I never forget how hard I had to push to keep living.

1. My idol, David Bowie, died. To Bowie: you stood for everything I've aspired to be and I am; Odd, spontaneous, crazy, and amazing. This year was hard knowing I no longer had my favorite person to look to, but here I am. And I have to ask, did you find life on Mars?

2. My first stress fracture. I have never had an injury that took me out of commission the way that stress fracture did, and it was frightening to me thinking that I wouldn't be able to do anything for a while, but I made it.

3. I was misdiagnosed four times, from an anterior ankle infringement to a cancerous tumor I was scared I would lose my foot, but I'm still here with both feet and all ten toes.

4. I spent an entire month not knowing if I had cancer or not. An entire month worried for my life. That is something no 16 year old should ever have to endure, no one ever should have to undergo that type of stress. But I'm here and forever thankful that I didn't have cancer.

5. I had surgery. I had a cyst removed from my left ankle late September and instead of returning to activity within 6 weeks it's three months later and I am still struggling with basic activities such as running, jumping, biking, etc. But I can get through this.

6. I made a life changing descision. My entire life I've done competitive cheerleading, it's the only thing I've ever understood, and I've ever been good at. But after my failed surgery I've decided it's no longer worth it. I come home from practice every night seeing red spots from the pain and I can't do it any more. It feels as though I've lost a part of myself I feel like I'll never find myself again, and it's been the hardest few months of my life.

But here you are; it's 2017 and you've made it. You've made horrible mistakes and made life changing decisions and it was tough. You lost and idol and experienced your first heartbreak. Your first love is gone and you're left without a friend and without a piece of yourself. You've decided to leave behind the one thing that made you feel whole as it will benifit you in ways you can't see yet, and it sucks it really does, but let me tell you, if in 365 days to this moment you can look back and say "I'm alright." Then you've made it and everything will be okay. Trust me, I know.