I'm so lonely and it's stupid because even when I am with people I still feel lonely.
I've never been one to be open and personal about my feelings, and so it makes sense that I don't have many friends. Friendship is not something that I desperately need. I have two best friends who I would give my life for and then a few people who I consider close but not die for close.
When I am with my best friend I feel safe and content, but I still feel alone. With her I am scared and afraid of making the wrong move. I want to touch her and to feel her skin on mine, her body beneath me, and yet she will never know because as her best friend I can not think those things about her. I feel this may greatly contribute to the feelings of loneliness and helplessness I feel. The love I have for her is greater than anything I've ever felt before and knowing that it must remain a secret is ripping me apart at the seams.
I can feel myself beginning to break down. I even confessed to her the suicide notes I've been keeping as a precaution. I wanted her to rush to me and tell me that she would never let me hurt myself, but I know that she can't be that person for me, only I can be there for me. Perhaps that is another reason I am so lost.
It's not hard to find myself in a position where the cement ball in my gut is absorbing my happiness and releasing anguish and pain. Unfortunately I find myself without a person who understands, without someone who is there ready to pick up the pieces as I fall apart just as I have done for so many others, so many other times.
There is nothing more I want from the universe than to love and be loved, but here I am on a cold, wet hammock supposed to be enjoying my time at the beach, but unable to think of anything but her and how she will never love me back and how I will always be alone pushing the cement ball back down, clawing at the sides of the pit, screaming for help that will never come.
In the end, I hope that she will know that I loved her and how much pain that love has caused me, but I would never want her to suffer the way that I do.
YOU ARE READING
Letters To No One
Non-FictionA collection of letters I've written that will never be claimed and never leave the safety of my journal.
