To Those Who Know Pain

Story 02--Never Get A Break

True story by @EmoIsNotGoth.

Well it was about in the fifth grade when I got my first boyfriend,you know the ones where you just like each other then BAM you're boyfriend and girlfriend, well yeah it was one of those. I was so happy I never even noticed that he was slowly putting me down. He started to call me fat (like WTF? We were fifth graders!) and ugly. So through the months that we dated I stopped eating. I might have had a granola bar every day but that was it. My ribs started showing and my butt turned into a pancake same with my small a-cup boobs. Not until I was moving (to a VERY far place) did I notice how mean he was. And when I finally decided to tell him I didn't like him anymore he said (and I quote!),"If someone says they love you, they're lying no one could ever love a fat piece of shit like you." He just walked off.

After that I started cutting, and trust me not eating and cutting at the same time is REALLY bad for your body. One time I cut so much I passed out and didn't wake up for a day. And the sad part is no one even noticed. Soon I became known as 'the girl who always wore a jacket'. I didn't want people to know what I was doing. Remember when I said I was moving? Well it didn't happen until a few months later after I was hospitalized. It was a normal day I woke up, cried then cut and went to school. On my way to school (on the bus) I noticed I forgot my jacket and now you could see my blood seeping through my long sleeve shirt. I should have wore a darker color. I don't think anyone noticed until lunch when the blood started dripping, think of it as you're on your period and your don't have an extra tampon or pad so you try to squeeze your legs together so it isn't as noticeable, well that was me but I was in the bathroom using paper towels to stop the blood. And I know what you're thinking, wouldn't have it stopped bleeding by 12? Well yes it would have if I handy been cutting in between classes. In last period I passed out. I don't know what happened in the time between getting to the hospital and at the hospital, all I know is that when I woke up I greeted my my brother. No mum and no step-dad there, not even my sisters who claimed on a daily basis that they loved me. The thing about my brother is he always looks happy but isn't. So when I came to and he had a serious look on his face, I knew something was about to go down.

I had a very long lecture about how I was slowly killing myself, it was like an hour long. I didn't get released until my step-dad came and signed this thing saying he's keep watchful in me at all times and make sure ALL sharp object were kept away from me. He didn't do either. I went to school, there weren't the usual people who would bully me but I just took it as a day off. I never really thought of myself as clueless but in this situation I was. I didn't even notice the extra whispers of my cuts. Well that was until the bus. I could have been listening to my normal screamo bands had it not been for Kelab (the ex boyfriend) kicking me. He sat right behind me kicking my seat, sure I could have ignored him if he hadn't kicked so hard that my ear buds fell out. Once they fell the bus came to a halt sending my ear buds to the front. By then I was furious, but I didn't do anything about it.

As soon as I stepped foot in my house I begged my mother to hurry up the moving process. She did we moved out with in the next week. The thing was I was stuck at a whole new school full of judge mental kids. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I went through the whole rest of the year without anyone finding my cuts. It wasn't until summer that I had a reason to stop cutting. Madison Lee, she was quite popular and very into cats. She turned into my bet friend over the summer through Kik. We would message each other everyday. I became so close to her I told her my secret, I never ate and I cut myself. She helped me, she truly helped. She became the family I needed and the friends I wanted. I stopped starving myself, even pigged out a little (okay maybe a lot). I stopped cutting for a while, I even took daily pictures to prove it. Sixth grade started, new school new life right? Well not for me. I found out Madie had told people about me, a lot of people. And now that I was over weight, they had a new reason to pick on me. I started cutting again but in less noticeable places, on my hips and legs. She stopped my cutting but also started it up again. Today I have to deal with her knowing what she has caused me. I am in the sixth grade but I have experienced, still experiencing some, pain. I still cut, but now it's not just because I'm not skinny. It's because betrayal can't come from an enemy, it comes from a friend and that friend just happens to know all your secrets.  I hide myself away in books, in different worlds so I won't have to deal with the real world. But in the end I'm always stuck with my crappy pain filled life. And I NEVER get a break.