Two Stars- An Auslly Fanfiction

Chapter 22

I think Austin is far more shaken up about my suicidal attempt then I am. I can tell that his grip around my waist won't be loosening anytime soon. Every time I shift  just the littlest bit, he tenses up, and looks at me like he expects me to run back into the ocean. 

"Austin."

"What?" His voice is stiff. 

"I'm not going to try anything like that again. It's okay. His expression is unconvinced. 

I have to turn away, because I can't stand the look in his eyes. I know I've hurt him in some way, I know I've let him down. I just don't know what way I've hurt him in. "Austin," I start again, running my fingers through the mini piles of sand. 

"Yeah?"

"I don't like you worrying about me this much. I'm broken, I know. But I'm okay." He shakes his head.

"I can't help it. I care about you." 

I gaze off into the distance. No one was in sight before, but now, a pair of surfers are visible over the tops of the waves. Now that I know we're not alone, I feel uncomfortable. Self-conscious. Exposed.

"I want to leave," I say, a bit more harshly than I'd intended. 

"Me too," Austin agrees, an we stand together. He takes my hand. Not roughly, but I know that he now feels like he needs to keep me by his side at all times.  He's not going to let me escape. 

I wish he wouldn't be so overprotective. What's worse is that he wasn't like this at all before I tried to drown myself. It's like he cares, but it's all of the sudden, forced, like now he feels obliged to care. I'd rather he not care at all.  

If he didn't care at all, I'd be dead. This realization brings a weird feeling, almost like a sickness in my stomach. So many things could've been different right now. This day could have ended in so many different ways. I guess every day is like that, though. I just didn't realize it until now. 

It's a long walk home. Did I really run this far? I can barely run a lap in P.E. without suffering from major cramps... It's takes us almost a half hour to walk back home. By then it's about seven o'clock, and everyone else has already eaten. Austin asks if I want to eat something over at his house. I decline. I didn't eat lunch, either, but I'm really not hungry. 

Austin doesn't leave here right away, but when I enter my room, he waits by the door at first, like he's waiting for me to kick him out. Instead, I decide to do something he was  not anticipating.

"Come here," I command. He seems a little surprised, but follows my words. He comes over to stand next to me, and I gaze into his eyes for a long time. Before, this alone would've sent a tingle down my spine, but now, I want to know what he's thinking. I want to read him. 

"Austin," I say suddenly, because suddenly, something weird overtakes me. My broken soul, buried deep, has found a way out. "Kiss me." He gives me a looks, but leans in and his lips brush lightly against mine. 

I take over. I begin to kiss him, hard, multiple times. Except I feel nothing, where there was once lightening, there's now hardly a spark. But  I don't break away. 

Austin does.

"Ally!" he exclaims. "You need to stop."

"Why?"  I ask, slightly breathless.

"Because. 

It's not okay to just kiss someone like that when you're upset. Especially because I know you feel nothing right now." 

I mean yes, he's right, I know I'm wrong, but I'm not myself. The person I was yesterday would've been appalled by my actions. But the Ally Dawson of this morning is no more. I stare at Austin, I can tell he sees how shattered my mind is. 

"The world is Hell," I whisper. "I didn't want to be a part of it. Why would you let  me live if you know I can't stand it? How do you stand it?" There's a slight innocence in my voice I didn't know I still contained. It reassures me. Him too, I think. His face softens.

"Ally...I just don't think about it. I distract myself with school, with music, with you-"

"I'm just a distraction?" I cut him off harshly. He bites his lip.

"That's not what I meant at all. You know it. What I mean is- you're right. The world is Hell. But when I think of you, it honestly doesn't seem that way." He tucks a strand of my slightly damp hair behind my ear. I don't say anything, and I don't raise my head. 

"Ally, grab your guitar." 

"Why?" 

"Because I want you to play it," he states obviously. He knows I need the music. I bend down to unzip the guitar case. 

Sitting on the bed, I strum lightly, and as the first notes hit my ears, I can't even help smiling. I don't think I've truly smiled in awhile. For a long time, I just lose myself in the song, and it feels good. Better than I've been maybe since I arrived in this horrible place.

I forget how trapped, how broken I am. I forget where I am, for a little while. I can close my eyes, and imagine that I'm home, on a warm summer night where I can sing up to the stars. Sometimes, they listen better than the trees. 

I forget that I'm a freak, I become the me that I used to be, for a little while. I forget my heavy heart, and I let myself soar.

And then I need to stop. Because I know the longer I delve into this fantasy, the worse-off I'll be when I have to return to reality.

"How do you feel?" Austin asks, even though he already knows my answer.

"I needed that," I whisper hoarsely. 

"I know."

"It feels good to smile."

"It does, doesn't it? Hey...Ally?"

"What?"

"Why did you try to kill yourself? Did it bother you that ,much that I.." He cringes at his own self-act. "...That I avoided you today? Or is it something else?" I'm not sure how to explain it to him. 

"Austin...I just feel like...I was meant to fly, but my wings have always been tied. And once I was brought here, I think they were torn off altogether. Sometimes...with you, or like just now, through the music, I feel like I can sail through the sky, but deep down, I know I'm stuck on the ground. And what's the point of living when it's always like that?"

"You live for the things that lift you the tiniest bit off the ground. You think maybe you've raised  centimeter even; you live for that." 

I don't know why his words have such a deep effect on me. All night, after he's gone, they reverberate through my head, I can't sleep. What makes me fly? What makes him fly? I know the answers to both of those questions, I think, but then I just go on to wonder the same thing about everybody. 

What makes Holly fly? Art, seems obvious. But what about Sonali, or Avery, or Eli? They do'nt show a true passion (although that doesn't make it nonexistent). So what's their reason for living? 

Maybe, I realize, maybe they've never thought about flying. Maybe they don't know what their missing. I think that's the case with my brother. 

Or maybe, in a case like Sonali, since she seems fine, maybe she just doesn't want others to watch her fly. It's her own special thing. I get that.

Or maybe, somewhere out there, someone's wings have been torn like mine. 

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Okay, towards the end of that chapter, I guess it was alright, but the beginning...ugh...Naomi totally supports how much this sucks, so for her, lets all just like cringe...Threee...Two...One *CRINGE* Okay, now looking past that, I wanna know what you guys ACTUALLY think. So vote and comment please! Also, sorry this took so long, I was kinda...procrastinating/*gasp* focusing on school...