The Black Crow

4

The Black Crow
...
4

After the lunch I returned to the classroom and sat on my chair.

I watched the girl earlier entered, the average looking girl with white legs and pretty lips. She strode lifelessly to her chair. She glanced at me and caught me observing but I didn't look away. I feel bad. I want to say sorry and that's all.

She stood up and fearlessly stood in front of my desk.

"What are you looking at?" She asked. Furious.

"I want to say sorry about earlier." After saying that I looked away. I looked in the window. I know I'm a bit childish.

"Sorry? Idiot!" She shook her head and leaned down. She looked at me with anger and disgust. "Do you know who your seatmate is? or who's going to be your seatmate? No... Didn't I say who "was" your seatmate?" She scoffed.

"Well, he's not here, so I don't know who's going to be my seatmate..." I shrugged.

She gritted her teeth in frustration. She leaned more closely.

"Everyone here in this classroom knows... who was your seatmate."

My eyebrows furrowed "So?"

She shook her head again in disbelief. Her eyes turned gentle but fierce. "He's dead, D.E.A.D period! Got it?!" She almost screamed it in my face. I'm grateful there are only two people in the room.

I looked at her horrified. "What!?"

"Your seatmate in the freshmen year, the one who proposed to you...the gay..." She emphasized the 'gay' word.

The memory of that 'gay' she meant suddenly rushed in my head. Yeah, that guy has a thing on me, he confessed his feelings to me--bravely, but I rejected him. But he was doing well, we were still seatmates but talk less and he attended class regularly without hindrance, like nothing happened. No confession happened.

I felt a different tingly feeling. I felt guilty like I did something for him to die. I looked down at my book. I felt a stung in my chest.

"But don't worry it was not your fault, but God! I can't stop blaming you...He was suffering from leukemia...that time..."

"Oh my god...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...." I felt my shoulders shudder and my hands tremble. I felt very bad, very sorry and very very guilty. "W...whe....when?" I stumbled for words.

"About last week? Burial is today." She said and added. "Life is short, look at him he was so lively and young, then today, where is he?" She stood from leaning down. She formed a bitter smile, forcing her tears back.

More students entered the room.

"Get a life! We're still young, don't waste you life in books, get friends and enjoy life...you'll never know when death will come to you and sorry, I have to say that!" She mumbled and stumbled back on her chair.

I looked down at my lap and thought of it. I can still clearly remember his face. His name was Martin; he's friendly, generous and very kind. We could click-out to be "best friends" until he confessed his homosexual feelings. I was afraid and horrified. To the point I almost hit him with my fist when he insisted his feelings. After that, things have changed. He treated me just normal. I don't know what he felt was but I think I did a very bad thing. I hurt him. I made him looked down on his life. How would I know he's going to die now? If I knew, maybe, maybe I think I could gave him a chance even it was just one-sided, with his short life in this world, I should have known. He was a very good guy. Oh God! I'm sorry!

My scrutiny was interrupted when the history teacher came back. She proceeded in discussing her lecture but I can't focus on it anymore even after the next teacher came, then the next, I never looked-up at the board nor take notes on my notes. I'm just in deep different dimension. My heart was lost in grim reverie. The girl, I should have asked her name and thank her for telling me and maybe....Oh God! How can I say sorry to Martin! His dead!

Death? How could...it happen...

...