Love Me Harder

chapter 1

we were almost finished with tour and I couldn't have been happier . I would finally get to go home to my mom for a little bit . we got off the stage with a bunch of sweat . I tried to distance myself from the girls by walking in the front .

"mani , are you ready to go back home ?" Lauren asked , with her arm around my shoulders .

"yeah , I miss my mom ."

"don't forget to text us ."

I nod my head before we approached the dressing rooms . I grabbed everything that I had before slinging my bag over my shoulder and walking towards the bus . I could feel someone following me but every time I looked back there was no one there . this shit was freaking me out so I started to run , not even caring if I was in heels . just before I could open the door , I was pushed to the wall and a body hovered over me . I looked up and saw Dinah there , breathless .

"you run too damn fast ."

"you scared the fuck out of me ! I thought I was in a damn horror film !"

"I'm sorry ." she said , as she buried her face in the crook of my neck .

"what are you doing ?"

"I'm saying goodbye to my best friend ."

"we'll see each other again ."

I rolled my eyes and lightly pushed her off . she then leaned against the wall , staring at me .

"you've been distant ."

"no I haven't ."

"yes you have . mani , you can't lie to me . I know when somethings up ."

"I've just been missing home ." I half lied .

I sucked in a breath through clenched teeth . she was eyeing me and I shifted uncomfortably .

"you aren't telling me the full truth ."

"Dinah , can we drop it ? it's not important ."

"the hell it ain't ! you are my best friend and I'm not letting you leave without telling me what's wrong ."

"don't try to act all concerned now because we're almost done with the tour ."

I pushed open the door only to be pulled back in . Dinah pinned me against the wall .

"you think I don't notice you looking all depressed and the bracelets around your wrist ? I've been watching you and you've been down lately . I want to know why you're hurting yourself ." she ended , pulling the bracelet on my left arm , down .

I closed my eyes and cursed at myself .

"I'm fine ."

"no , you aren't ."

I pushed her off me and left . she didn't bother to come after me and I didn't really care . why now ? why does she suddenly want to care ? I got on the bus and the girls weren't there . I just walked to the bathroom and broke down .

she could never love me the way that I love her . I yearn for the moment that she will be mine but all I know is that it's just a dream . every time I go to sleep , my dreams always find a way to Dinah . they make me feel like that Dinah could love me but as soon as we're about to kiss , I wake up . my dream has always ended when we were about to kiss .

could it be telling me that Dinah doesn't love me and that she will never love me ? my mind is always playing tricks on me and I'm getting tired . I just want to give up . I don't want to keep getting hurt . but getting hurt by her is a different story . as much as I hate getting hurt , I don't mind it if it's her . she makes the pain go away but also causes it . why did I have to love her ? why couldn't it have been any other person ?

"mani , open this door ." Dinah said , knocking harshly on the door .

I quickly wiped my tears away and opened the door , slightly .

"the bathroom is occupied ."

she rolled her eyes and pushed the door , making me fall on the floor . she quickly kneeled to the floor and asked if I was okay ?

"what do you want ? I was just using the bathroom ."

"Normani , just stop . you were crying . don't try to tell me all the other bs ."

"why do you even care ?"

"don't go there . I care about you . you don't even want to hang out with us anymore and I want to know why ."

"I don't feel like I belong ."

"what do you mean ? you do belong with us ."

she pulled me into a hug and held me in her arms . her scent smelled like flowers .

"no , I don't . I can tell that you girls would be better off without me ."

"what the hell are you saying ? we are not better off without you !" Lauren said , as she appeared at the doorway with Camila and ally .

"it doesn't matter . I want to be alone so please stop bothering me ."

"no , we are not leaving you alone ." Camila firmly said .

"please ." i whispered , feeling lightheaded .

"Dinah , she looks like she's about to faint ." ally said , before i blacked out .

when i woke up , the girls were crowded around me . I sat up and held my head with my left hand .

"what happened ?"

"you fainted in the bathroom ." Lauren said , softly .

I closed my eyes and the memories started flowing back . I sucked in a breath before opening them .

"I told you that I needed space . I get claustrophobic and you guys didn't help at all ."

"it's not like you told us about it ." Dinah mumbled .

"I'm fine so can you guys just leave me alone ?"

they nodded , dejectedly . when the footsteps were retreating , I laid back down and faced the wall . there were some things that I never told the girls . claustrophobia being one of them . it's just that I can see that they don't really care for me and just telling them will probably make me a burden to them . they wouldn't love me if they knew the things I kept .

a couple seconds later , I feel someone climb in my bunk . she was spooning me . I turned around to be faced with Dinah . the look in her eyes were determined and concerned . I tried to look everywhere but her eyes . that was a huge mistake . I started admiring her beauty features .

"mani , I need you to stop staring at me ."

"I-I'm s-sorry ."

"why do you lie to me ? what's the purpose ?"

"it's not that I lie to you . it's just that I don't want to become a burden with all of your problems . I can handle being by myself without having you or the girls watch me ."

"please just tell me the truth . it better not be half-assed . it needs to be the honest truth ."

I sighed before looking into her chocolate brown eyes . how can I tell her ? should I tell her everything ? what if she stops being my friend ? oh god , I don't know what I would do .

"I don't know where to start ."