Love Arranged (#1)

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Evan

I'm so extremely and painstakingly reckless it surprises me sometimes, like do you ever just look at the things that you're doing and think "Wow, this is fucking dumb, why the hell am I doing it?" but you do it anyway because well, you are that dumb?

That is what I'm doing right now.

I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to go behind Maggie's back despite us agreeing to talk about my past with Beth just to ease her doubts and suspicions by all means necessary. I was so sure that this was needed not until I received a text from Maggie earlier, one that read:

I'm ready to talk about what happened. Meet me at my house.

Suddenly this plan of mine didn't seem all that promising to me anymore.

But that wasn't important because, before Maggie's sudden declaration of plans, I also decided several hours earlier to make some of my own. Specifically with our current subject in hand:

Beth Kingsley.

I texted her asking if we could meet up and after a series of long, careful deliberations, did we arrange to meet up at her place.

I honestly don't know what I should be expecting from this because I am fully aware that Beth despises me, especially after everything that I've put her through it shouldn't be too much of a far fetch to hint at the idea, and I don't blame her for that because truthfully speaking, I am a fucking asshole.

I've wronged so many people in the past that I think it's time I start acknowledging it, and Beth shouldn't be excluded from that because if anything, she has all the right reasons to hold a vendetta against me, more so that she should be on top of the list.

I've never had a good history with the women I have either gotten involved with or developed small, insignificant flings with ever since I started dating at the age of fifteen.

I was ignorant and I didn't really have a good belief system to rely on and although I don't want to blame my lack of awareness and the absence of guidance from my parents, in a way that's how it started, just people's tendency to let me get away with my mistakes because I did come from a rather privileged background whilst inheriting conventionally good features and luxuries.

I had it all and yet I took it for granted because people allowed me, which again doesn't happen to everyone, and along the way, I guess I forgot to humble myself.

That's why as much as I am thankful for her, it shouldn't have taken Maggie, or any woman in general, to come into my life and fix me.

It wasn't even a fix, it was just Maggie blatantly pointing out all my bullshit for me until I got the memo and realized "Yup, that was wrong, has always been wrong, and how come I've never seen that before? Why did it take a person screaming all of the shit I've done straight at my face for me to realize that?" and I wanna be better, not only for myself, not only for her but for all the people I've wronged in the past as well.

That's why I'm doing this now, to finally bury the hatchet and to stop ignoring my problems because God knows it never really did anything to save me from my own sanity.

But still, despite the good intentions and good of heart where my decision currently lies, I can't help but feel as if I'm deceiving Maggie by going behind her back and talking to Beth.

I know I should've worked it out with her first but there's just a part of me that feels like all things must come to an end before I start a new chapter in my life.