Looking Through Me | Attack on Titan Fan Fiction

Chapter 7: Split Up

I laid there, feeling woozy, and trying to remember to breath. In and out, in and out... Were they serious? After this pain, this torture, I was going to die of a blood infection? My eyes welled with tears again and I shut them. Pain blazed in my side, like my insides were having a full-out war with my blood.

It had been about an hour since I'd woken up, and the three of them were on the other side of the room. I'd stayed quiet, because I wanted to listen in on what they were discussing. Armin tried suggesting plans, and Eren and Mikasa would break them down until they became something that worked. My eyes stayed shut, and my breathing stopped as I attempted to eavesdrop with less noise around me.

"We've only been gone for four days. No one will have noticed," Armin said.

"But what if someone does? You could be taken from us," Mikasa replied.

"They won't. I'll keep my Scouting Legion hood here, and change into other clothes in the basement. No one will even recognize me!"

"Armin, we can't take that risk," Eren said gravely.

Armin sighed. "Every plan has a risk, Eren. No matter what I suggest, you're all about the risks. Even with the safest plan, there's still going to be risks. We have to pull this off."

"How long will it take? We're inside Wall Maria, but outside Wall Rose. It could take you more than two days. I'm not sure if she has that time," Mikasa said, and I heard her voice break near the end with guilt.

"Maybe three at the most. There's no way I'm going to slow down, not now. I'll do it. For Jen," he stated solidly.

Eren tapped his boot on the floor anxiously, the rapid clicks matched with the pounding of my heart. "Fine. You'll have to go now. There's no time to say goodbye."

Armin's footsteps gradually got quieter as he walked out of the room, and I heard him call, "Mikasa will help me get supplies ready. Then I'll leave and be back before Tuesday."

Mikasa followed behind him, and and the door shut with a heavy whoosh of air. I took a breath, realizing that I'd held it all that time, and my hands unclenched. They were cold and sleek with sweat, and had pale half-moons from my fingernails digging in. As the sounds resumed, I heard Eren get closer. There was a sharp squeak as he dragged a chair behind him, and set it beside his bunk that I was laying in.

I let my caramel eyes slide open, and my ragged breaths take over once again. Eren sat in the chair backwards, his arms resting on the back of the chair. My neck allowed me to roll my head to the side, and look at him.

In his emerald eyes, I saw an exaggerated reflection of me. My skin was pale and had a grey hue, drops of sweat beaded along my hairline, and my chestnut hair was messy and plastered to my neck; falling out of the braid. What scared me the most was the huge red stain surrounding my body, and I focused on his eyes instead of the blood.

"Eren..." I murmured, and shakily moved my hand towards him.

He gave a weak smile, and I felt his warm hand clasp around mine. That small action made me feel safe, and I closed my eyes for a moment. After a minute of silence, they opened again, and I saw him still studying my features, afraid that I would just...drift away.

"What will I learn...later?" I asked, and swallowed thickly when I tasted iron in my throat.

Eren looked down, and I heard him let out a heavy breath. "Well, you're already a pro at using 3D Maneuver Gear." He laughed, and I felt my lips twitch into a small smile. "So maybe Armin will teach you about Titans later. Then Mikasa can show you hand-to-hand combat and how to use the blades properly."

"Sounds fun," I whispered. "But first, I'm going to beat you...in a race. Ten laps around the castle."

Eren averted his gaze to the floor, and his grip on my hand tightened. "Yeah, we'll do that. Maybe in a week, when you feel better. You will beat me, I'm sure. It will happen."

I heard him sniffle, and I looked at him in concern. "Eren...look at me."

He slowly looked up, and I pulled my hand away from his. "Why are you...so sad? We barely even...know each other." Every time I said something, it took all my strength not to start huffing and puffing.

Eren ran a hand through his hair, and sniffled again. "I can't let innocent people die. I can't let you die."

I smiled a bit, but it faded when I felt my side burn, like the metal was being ripped out of me again. I let out a shriek of pain, and my body crunched into a ball. That only amplified the torturous feeling, and I gasped, sweat pouring down my face.

"The pain..." I mumbled, about to grab for my side, but Eren's hand grabbed my arm and pinned me down again.

"Don't touch it," he said, and let go. "We need to change the bandages or it'll get infected..."

That was the biggest lie he could've told. My side was already infected. I had blood poisoning, dammit. Changing bandages wouldn't solve it, and nothing would until Armin came back. From what Eren thought, I knew nothing of Armin leaving, the blood poisoning, the infection, or anything else. To him, I was a clueless girl. And I hated him for it.

"Okay," I whispered.

Eren looked away, and cleared his throat. "Uh... You'll have to pull down your pants a bit..." he muttered. "Just so I can see your hip."

I nodded, with a deep blush dusting my cheeks. I undid the belt, and grabbed the waist. When I pulled it down with all my strength, I felt my hip burn like white-hot metal was slowly slicing through it. "Nghhh..." I groaned, closing my eyes and biting my lip.

Eren looked over, hastily grabbing gauze and running back before I strained myself. There was also a jug of water, which I presumed was going to be used to clean it. That would hurt like hell, and it already made me panic.

"Hey, hey, wait a moment," he said gently, and stopped my hands. I'd pulled my pants down enough, but it hurt like something I'd never felt before.

I looked at him, my brown eyes pleading. "I'm scared, Eren."

I don't know what, but something took over in him. His eyes clouded in fury, and he slammed his hands into the bedpost, making me jump and wince. Eren's eyes squeezed shut, and his hands clenched the wood until his knuckles were white. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, Jennika! I should've been out there! I should've protected you!" he hollered, and I saw tears drip down his chin.

"Eren..." I whispered.

"I'm so sorry..." he mumbled, and leaned forward, his face buried in the sheets.

I put my hand on the back of his head, and combed his hair with my fingers. "Eren, look at me."

He let out a few ragged breaths, and looked up at me after a moment or two. "Don't you ever...think that this is your fault. It was my fault for being so carefree. You blame yourself...and it's only going to make this situation worse."

Eren nodded, and rubbed his face on his sleeve. He patted his legs, and stood up with the gauze in his hand. "Ready?"

I nodded back, and clenched my teeth. I felt him grab the soaked gauze around my hips, and gently pull. My jaw clenched tighter, and I hissed. Eren's eyes flicked to me for a moment, but he continued. The gauze ripped from the raw skin and flesh, and I groaned again. With one tug, he finally pulled them off altogether, unravelling it all from my side.

My body limply relaxed, and my labored breathing returned to...less labored. He washed his hands with the water in the jug, and directed his attention back to me. Eren slowly poured some of the water on the laceration, and I screamed. It was ice-cold, and the feeling of water running through my insides and across tender flesh made my lunch nearly rise in my throat.

He poured in some more, and I moaned loudly, my eyes getting blurry with tears. I didn't want to cry, but the pain was bringing them forth. As a final precaution, Eren wet his hands again. They lowered to my hip, which flinched back, and I whispered, "Stop."

Eren's gaze met mine, waiting for permission. When I decided that I was ready after a few steady, long breaths, I gave him a curt nod. His warm hands rubbed outside the wound, cleaning off the blood and dirt around it. My tears streaked down my dirty cheeks, and I felt a new sweat break out on my forehead. He scrubbed away the muck, and my body writhed in protest. My breaths became heavier, and finally, he stopped.

I heaved, and my chest rose and fell. Every breath made my hip radiate white-hot pain, exploding through my body, but I was oxygen deprived. Eren watched me for a moment, and then reached for the cotton strips of gauze.

"You need to roll over a bit... So I can get it under your back and around about five times," he said, and began unwrapping it.

"Mmhm," I responded. It would sting, but I'd have to suck it up.

Eren laid it on the far side, and got to work. Grabbing my other hip, he gently rolled me over, and I tried not to groan or make a noise of objection. He slid it between the gap between my body and the bed that was the smallest part of my abdomen, and carefully pulled me back to put it over my front. When it touched my vulnerable and bloody side, I flinched and my hands clamped shut. It was torturous, and I knew Eren was trying to do his best, so I tried to grit my teeth and toughed it out, but it came nearly impossible to do so by the fourth wrap.

"Almost...done..." he said through his teeth, but his hands paused.

"What is it?" I asked, and my hands pushed the middle of my back off the bloody sheets.

He looked a little more closely, and I felt his hand gently touch my left hip. Exactly where my scar was, along with all the horrors of my childhood. I knew what he was going to ask, and I panicked a little.

"When did you get this scar?" he questioned, and his thumb rubbed the puckered flesh.

I didn't answer immediately, leaving an interval of a few seconds. When I didn't say anything, his emerald eyes moved up to my face. My jaw clenched and unclenched, and I opened my mouth but shut it again. I cleared my throat, and finally said, "I don't remember."

He nodded, and knew not push it. Eren wrapped the last of it, securing it in the previous wraps of gauze.

"Thank you," I said, and I felt his hand brush mine.

Eren gave a tight smile only for my sake, and closed his eyes. "Your welcome. I'll be back later, I need to help Mikasa scout outside for any more Titans. Try and get some sleep, okay?"

I agreed, and closed my eyes. He grabbed the sheets and tucked me in, bringing them to my chest. Eren gave one last glance as he walked out, and I rolled over with a cringe.

Waiting for this opportunity to be alone, I checked the door one final time. When no one came in, I buried my face in my pillow, and cried my eyes out.

I'm nothing but a burden. All I do is get hurt. By the ones I thought I loved, by the ones who pledge to protect me, and then I betray it. They blame themselves for my pain, and I'm sick of the pity. They think I'm fragile, like a glass China doll, and refuse to tell me anything at all. They hide the things that I already know, thinking it'll go away. It never goes away. The pain, the memories, or the knowledge. I'll always remember what I want to forget, and forget the moments that I want to hold dear forever.

I don't want to be here anymore.