Looking Through Me | Attack on Titan Fan Fiction

Chapter 22: Stay Here

I bolted upright with a scream, my hand over my heart to make sure it hadn't pounded through my chest. Sweat beaded on my forehead, and my breaths were heavy. It was dark out, and the wooden floors of my dorm seemed black against the bluish-walls. In response to my scream, the door flung open and Eren ran in.

"Jen!" He ran to my bedside, and I wrapped my arms around him. His hands pat my back soothingly, and I cried in fear.

But, it was short-lived. Even though it was probably 4 a.m. I couldn't go back to sleep or I'd be back at my actual home. I'd have to stay awake and live another tiring day inside Wall Rose.

"It was a dream, Jen. Just a dream," he whispered in my ear, and my hands loosened their grip on his shirt.

"It was..." I gulped. "Too real. Like it actually happened."

Eren leaned back, and put his hand on my wet and teary cheek. "Well it wasn't. Can you go to sleep now? You've been having night terrors almost regularly. Every three days," he murmured.

I sniffled and wiped away the tears with the heel of my hand. "Yeah. I'll go back to sleep. You get some too, alright? Sorry to have woken you. Did I wake anyone else?"

He shook his head. "Just me. Your room is the closest to the boy's dormitory, so only I heard it."

I nodded. "Okay. G'night."

He kissed my cheek, and slowly closed the door behind him without a sound. I fell against my sheets with a groan, and slapped my face with the pillow. It was gonna be a rough day.



Just like I told you, it was another exhausting day where I basically did nothing. Erwin decided on another expedition into Wall Maria, but I told him that I was in no condition to fight. Levi and Hanji agreed, and I stayed in my dorm doing nothing. I lost track of time, and laid there doing nothing.

I thought that I'd at least stay awake until the group came back, then I'd go back to my world; whatever it was called. They did arrive, with all members intact, at around 1 a.m. When they came back, I wished them well and went back to my dorm.

"Another rough day..." I ran a hand through my hair with a yawn as my feet dragged across the floorboards. "And I'm just so excited to go back and see Rick..."

I ripped off my uniform that I'd forced myself into, and chucked my boots at the floor. Falling against the bed, I let out a huge breath. "Why do these days have to be so challenging? I need help," I whispered, and covered my face with my pillow to muffle out the world.

With another moan of self-pity, I threw the pillow against the wall and rolled over, wrapping myself in the sheets like a cocoon. It took less than a few moments to fall asleep, but I remembered to think of Earth. To go back and start the cycle all over.



My hazel eyes blinked a little, making what little lashes I had flutter. The sun made a nice honey glow in my room, and for that, I was grateful. Rubbing my eyes with a silent yawn, I got up and slouched forward. I tried rubbing at the remainder of what the Sandman had given me, but I was too lazy this early.

Well, it was time to make breakfast. Maybe for one day, I'd escape a beating from my horrible pain-in-the-ass father.

When my vision cleared, my heart stopped.

My clothes were in the corner where I threw them. The wooden floorboards were a tarnished brown, and the white walls of my dorm enclosed around me. My dorm?! I wasn't meant to be here! Why wasn't I back home?!

My heart pounded in my chest, and my breaths became eager and frantic. Why wouldn't I go back? To Earth, not Wall Rose!

Well... Now that I thought about it, I realized that I wasn't tired. For the first time in nearly two weeks, I wasn't tired! YIPEE!

I looked at my little analog clock next to me, and saw that it was...12:30 pm. Son of a bitch.

I swung my legs out from under the covers, pulling on my white pants. I slipped my tan shirt over it and tucked it in, then began with the belts that I fastened around myself. After they were sized, I grabbed my jacket, jumped into my boots, and opened the door. I ran straight into Eren, who was opening the door at the same time as me with a tray in his hands.

It flipped, and the syrupy pancakes that it used to have got all over my front while the freezing orange juice went down my shirt. I shrieked, and the tray hit the ground with a clatter.

"Sorry!" we yelled at the same time, blushing furiously.

Our fear of one another faded, and we started to laugh. "Sorry." I grinned. "I knew I was late. I didn't mean to spill it all. Thanks for the meal, though."

Eren snickered. "It's okay. I thought I'd save you some breakfast before Sasha ate it all. You really slept in, didn't you?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. Anyways, we only have enough time to clean up the hallway or me. I choose the hallway."

"Agreed."

Eren ran for a mop from the closet down the hall, and I grabbed some soap and began scrubbing the stubborn syrup from the wood. It was hard work, and we were almost late. We'd have to go to the regular meeting and recessive training covered in crumbs and sticky sweet stuff.

After we got the last of it off (because we knew that Levi WOULD somehow find it and hunt us down) we sprinted to the main hall.

We got into our lines, with Eren just behind me, Sasha to my right, and Mikasa to my left. Erwin stood up front, and I kept seeing Sasha give wandering glances to my shirt.

"It looks like you vomited on yourself," Mikasa whispered as Erwin walked past us.

"Thank Eren for that," I replied with a smirk.

After Erwin started to give his daily little speech about last night's expedition that I missed, we zoned out and pretended that we were focused. Then, Levi walked by for inspection.

He walked past everyone with a cold glare, and I gulped. When he made it to me, he stopped. This wasn't going to be good.

"You look filthy."

"I apologize, sir!" I saluted with my right hand over my heart and the other behind my back.

"Do you not have any care for your hygiene?" he asked with disgust for the purpose of embarrassing me.

"I do, sir!"

"Then next time, look in the mirror before you walk outside," he snapped, and continued walking.

As soon as he passed, I refrained from laughing my ass off, with Armin almost giving us away and Eren quietly chuckling.

"Nice job!" Jean whispered, and I gave a thumbs up behind my back towards him.

Even Mikasa was grinning.



The rest of the day was filled with laughter and screwing around, because it was a day off. We all went to our dorms to change from our uniforms to more comfy clothes, and I grabbed a long skirt with flats and a dress shirt. I wish I could've worn my Hedley t-shirt and not have anyone judge me.

From 2 in the afternoon to 10 p.m. we just enjoyed ourselves. I taught everyone how to play "Chubby Bunny," which was PRICELESS when Jean almost gagged from all the marshmallows he shoved in his mouth. Connie grabbed a pen and drew whiskers on him when he fell asleep, and Sasha ate the remaining marshmallows. Amazingly, Krista fit the most in her mouth, at twenty-seven.

Somehow, she still looked like God even with chubby-bunny cheeks.

Ymir grabbed booze, but I didn't take any this time. I was a lightweight.

It was a huge celebration until we went to bed, at around 11 p.m. Everyone was exhausted from their missions, so we went to bed earlier than normal, but still past curfew.

As I tucked myself in, I still wondered why I hadn't gone back to my world. Jeez, I was gonna get it from Rick when I came back after disappearing. When I delved deeper into the phenomenon, I realized that I'd always return to my world no matter what. That was a rule, after all. So what was stopping me from going back?

Shaking those disturbing thoughts from my head, it took me longer than I'd hoped to get to sleep.



I blinked, and I felt awake immediately. The first thing I noticed was that I felt...funny. Weightless, sort of.

I looked at my feet, to see them hovering just above the paved ground, with the sidewalk a few feet away.

At that point, I was beyond confused and admittedly scared. Glancing upward, I saw my house. The tarnished, 156 Maplelock Avenue along the doorway was the only reason that I knew I was back on Earth...sort of. Somehow, I lowered myself to the ground, but I heard yelling and sirens blaring.

Red and blue lights flashed, and I saw them originate from six police cars parked sloppily along the road. What were the police doing here?

"Excuse me!" I said, and reached out for one of the men when he walked by. I meant to catch his sleeve, but my hand went through him.

I gasped and retracted my hand. It glowed, and then rematerialized itself almost instantaneously. What the hell was going on? They couldn't hear me or see me? Was that it?

The yellow crime scene tape covered the area with our house, and some people were being interviewed; like our neighbour Ms. Sweeney. The poor old hag would't stop shaking, and you would've expected her to be epileptic. It was well past midnight, and extremely dark. The door to my house was broken off its hinges, and by then I was horrified. What was happening?

My bare feet slapped the ground as I walked forward, feeling small pebbles wedge in between my toes. I wore only a thin white dress that went to my knees, but didn't feel cold even though it was autumn. I gradually sped up my pace, until I ran through the doorway.

Police men and women were in my house, grabbing samples of random things and putting them in bags. They wore the white garbage-bag boots to make sure nothing was contaminated, and wore pale blue latex gloves. Some things were marked with little numbered tabs so that they could recall the sample number. The CRIME SCENE, DO NOT CROSS tape danced along the dining room table that was adorned with beer bottles, and the yellow tape was like a spider's web throughout the house. The majority of the ruckus was coming from down the hall, right where my room was. Oh God.

I hesitantly walked forward, trying to peer over the shoulders of the men and women who refused to set foot in my room. Walking through them seemed...wrong. Summoning the last of my courage, I regained the ability to float, and my level raised above theirs. I flew over their heads, and gasped.

I saw a dead body against the wall. She was hunched over, with her brown hair fanning around her. Her eyes were dark and emotionless, hollow and silent. Blood dribbled from her mouth, and splattered the wall behind her. The girl's chest looked out of place, like the bones had tried breaking out of her body.

She was me.

I saw one man leaning forward, with a billboard in hand. It had one of those cause-of-death sheets on it, to record the details of fatality. My legs shook as I stepped towards him, and looked over his shoulder.



JENNIKA ELENI MANRI

AGE: 15

DOB: March 17, 1998.

RELATIVES: Rachel (deceased) and Rick Manri.

COD: Asphyxiation, internal bleeding, pierced lungs, broken ribs.



I felt the blood drain from my face as I saw the first few lines. My hands shook, and I felt my heart stop.

I was dead. Actually, cold-hearted, not breathing, dead.

"Oh my God," I murmured, and my shaking hands covered my mouth.

I could never return to this world again. I'd been killed.

Not risking any more contemplation, I spun on my heel and jogged down the hallway, right through the crowd. I was gasping for breaths. I felt my heart rising to my throat, and my pulse pounding like it was trying to escape my neck. Finally, my feet hit the cold sidewalk, and I saw a completely new sight.

Inside the police car that was parked diagonally in our driveway, was a man. His hair was a dirty brown, tinged with grey, and he looked at the ground. The man's wrists were in handcuffs, and...tears ran down his face.

Rick raised his hands, and shook his head as he brushed them away. "I didn't mean for this to happen..." he sobbed, and took a rattling breath. "First Rachel, now Jennika... Why? Why was I so heartless? Why did I do those horrible things..."

He broke into another round of sobs, and choked on his words. My hand pressed against the window of the car, my breath making a little foggy cloud on it.

"I'm so sorry... The liquor and beer, and, and, I'm just so sorry... This is all my fault and I'm so sorry." Rick's tears made some build up in the corners of my eyes, and I sniffled when he did.

"I loved you, Jennika. I-I really did. I'm so damn sorry, and I could never tell you... Rachel leaving was never your fault. I swear to God that I'll make it up to you...somehow. I'm so sorry, Jenny!"

My resolve crumbled. He hadn't called me Jenny since I was a baby. Even then, it was my mocking nickname. But now...it had heartfelt meaning. No matter what, a grown man crying made you rethink everything. Not many things made men cry.

"I'm sorry, Jenny. I love you," he sobbed into his hands, the cuffs around them clanking.

My hands balled up, and I looked at the condensation I'd made on the window. I sniffled, and blinked back my tears. My finger tapped the window, and made a small thumping noise. Rick looked up from his hands, his face still wet. His gaze fixed on the window.

I let out a warm breath, creating a new little cloud. Rick's eyes were bound to the glass. I let out another breath, and then traced with my finger something I'd been dying to say for years. I sniffled, and wiped off my finger when I was done.



I love you too, Daddy. I forgive you.

-Jenny



Rick's eyes spilled over again, and he pressed his hands to the window. Tears came to his eyes as he read the message, and his sobs became clearly audible through the glass. His hands pressed flat against the message I wrote, and I laid my hand against the window, right where his were.

I knew he loved me from the very beginning. He wasn't the antagonist, it was alcohol and drink. I forgave him, no matter how many times he'd hit me, said he hated me, or scarred me. It was a thing of the past.

My hand left the warmth of his as I stepped back, and let a single tear fall down my cheek. I gave him one last pitiful glance as he read the message over and over, tears running down his face. My eyes closed, and I knew it was time.

I was done here.