Looking Through Me | Attack on Titan Fan Fiction

Chapter 21: Dying Daylight

One Week Later

My life was a living hell.

I felt dead all the time, and this "Linga Sharira" business wasn't for me, even if I was the last one. I didn't care anymore.

Every night, I'd gone to Wall Rose, to be with Eren and everyone. When I fell asleep in that dimension, I woke in my original one; with Rick and all the other joys of my life. Then when I fell asleep, I'd go to my friends and so on. It was ruthless. I'd been awake for more than week now with no sleep, and no energy.

Beatings from Rick had nearly become part of his agenda. I'd been lazing around and doing nothing, so that was the punishment. Most of the time I zoned out and went into a dreamy state, which could be called going into shock, I guess. The only reminder that I had was the dull and buzzing pain of the bruises and cuts I had the next day.

My friends began asking me what was wrong, if anything was out of order, and I said I was fine. I'd been hiding all my bruises, and when Eren saw one on my hip I told him I'd rammed it into a countertop by accident. If I so much as skipped one day with everyone, my body would disappear. Literally, disintegrate, until the next time I imagined my physical body being there. I wanted to stay there with everyone, but that violated another rule.

Rule #1: You use however much energy you have in either dimension. You get no sleep or rest.

Rule #2: As soon as your body is in a comatose (sleeping) state for more than twenty-four hours in a dimension, it disintegrates until the next time you visit that dimension.

Rule #3: Whenever you fall asleep in your dimension of choice, you will reappear in the dimension that you were created in. You can only stay in that chosen dimension until you lose your energy (fall asleep).

If I did spend one night actually sleeping, Eren would be terrified, and think I'd run off or something. If I missed a day here, Rick would go crazy. Who would make his meals, his bed, do laundry? That's all he'd care about. Now that I'd dug myself into my own hole, there was no way out.

Oh, but I'm skipping ahead. Let me give you some background, okay?

After we rode back to the Walls, people obviously wanted me dead. I did have to go to court just before Annie (who in the end, was sentenced guilty). Because Zackley was dead, and there were no other available judges, Erwin took over. If you think that was stunning, then guess who my lawyer was.

Levi. Corporal Lance Levi was my actually lawyer. And he did a damn good job, I've gotta admit. He provided evidence that I was innocent, and even made up the jury on his own. There were some people called for jury duty, just like back at home, but the rest of the jury...was the 104th Trainee Squad with Hanji in the lead. I was sentenced as not guilty.

Hearing Erwin decide that was almost music to my ears. It was fine and splendid and frickin' fantastic until I woke. Then it became a game of "don't fall asleep".

After another seven days, I'd reached a conclusion. No matter how hard the decision was, I came to decide that I wanted to abandon this world, Earth. Spend it all with my friends back in the Walls, and away from Earth or whatever this dimension of space was called. But that meant that I had to sleep forever...

I had to die.

Even then, I wasn't sure if it would work. Would my soul be zapped into another newborn baby's, and Eren, Mikasa, and Armin would never see me again? It was almost definite that dying wouldn't work; I mean, why would it?

So that night, I laid in my bed, contemplating what my life meant to me and where I wanted to spend it. Not on Earth...with them, my friends.

My eyes were barely open, and exhaustion had taken over. More than a week without sleep... It was brutal. I'd pushed my body past my physical limits. My limbs were sprawled out on the crisp sheets of my unmade bed, and my breaths were slow and shallow. I didn't want to move...ever. If I did, then I don't know what would've happened. Would I get sick, crumple up, have a heart attack? Who knew...

I gulped, my throat dry. Is this what zombies felt like? Dead, with no drive, no motivation, and no one to love them? Then that made me a dead man walking... Just like Ymir had called me before. I was a moving corpse that had no ideals. Even breathing took too much energy.

Would I have to kill myself? Would that keep me asleep forever? Would it even work?

My neck lolled to the side, and I looked at my old third-generation iPhone in my palm. I didn't want to watch the show... Not now, not ever.

Would I die?

If that was the case, there was one last thing I wanted to do. See my mother. She'd understand. Wait... I was the last Linga Sharira, I'd been told. My mom was dead. So much for that idea.

My phone fell from my hand, hitting the floor and shuffling.



Here I am waiting,

I'll have to leave soon,

Why am I holding on?

We knew this day would come,

We knew it all along,

How did it come so fast?

This is our last night but it's late,

And I'm trying not to sleep,

Cause I know, when I wake, I will have to slip away

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go,

But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close,

'Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own,

But tonight I need to hold you so close



I felt the tears prick at my eyes. Would that be the last song I'd hear? I can't remember the answer to that question.

My mind was made up. I'd die.

Before I could begin to elaborate, my door flung open, and I didn't have to look to see who it was. Heavy footsteps came to my bedside, and I felt a fuzzy, cold feeling fill my chest. Is that what fear felt like? I couldn't remember anymore.

The dead felt no fear.

"Hey!" Rick screamed, and my eyes closed and opened blearily. "What do ya think you're doin'?"

I licked my lips, and let out a ragged breath.

"Hey, bitch! You've done shit all this past week! Why is that?" he asked with mock concern.

Well, I can say I was told to never lie.

I turned my head. "When I fall asleep I travel to another dimension where giant monsters eat people and I became one. I ran away to because I was charged with murder and I get no sleep because I'm the last dimension traveller." I blinked tiredly.

It was like Rick was a ticking time bomb. He made a deep sound of anger in the back of his throat, and grabbed my forearm. He dragged me out of the bed and my head hit the floor, but I remained a limp rag doll. When I fell off completely, I saw his foot inching closer to me, daring me to act out again.

"Do you think I'm stupid?!" he screamed, and I blinked again. "Give me a real reason!"

"That was the truth," was all I could whisper before his foot buried itself in my gut.

When I glanced up after sucking in a breath, I saw what I hadn't noticed before, and it scared me.

Rick was drunk, obviously, but this was different. Vomit was in the corners of his mouth, and his hair was beyond dishevelled. His green eyes looked glassy and blind, and he leaned heavily on the wall.

Sure, he'd always been wasted before, but he could at least stand. Now, he was blind. Now, he was intoxicated and I'd only ever seen him like this once before.

When I was 7. The night I almost bled to death.

The pain and terror actually registered that time. It didn't feel fuzzy or far away, it struck me like a pike going through my heart. I shook my head back and forth, feeling the remnants of my energy and adrenaline beginning to burn up.

He let out a hoarse shout, and kicked me again. I doubled over, coughing and feebly trying to protect my ribs and lungs.

"Scared yet?" Rick questioned, but before I could say yes he grabbed my other arm.

He lifted me off the ground, nearly falling over from his own weight. The smell of booze made me gag, and I began kicking and screaming. I did get my toes to scratch his side, but that was just enough for him to let out another wave of seismic energy.

Rick pulled his hand back, and slapped me across the face. My right cheek felt numb, and my face burned. He let me go, letting my tailbone slam into the little floor vent by my bed.

"Stop..." I whispered, and covered me eyes, shaking. Either he didn't hear me or he didn't oblige.

I fell onto my side, and I felt his foot ram into my chest again.

I coughed.

Another blow.

I shrieked.

Twisting pain for the third.

Something cracked.

It caught me under the ribcage.

A piercing pain impaled my lungs.

He grunted as the fifth one knocked my breath away.

Two things snapped.

His foot was becoming blurry as it nailed me again.

Three things broke. Fire filled my insides.

Rick let out a rough breath, and fell back against the wall. He mumbled drunk profanities and ran a hand through his hair, before turning around and sluggishly getting to the doorway. It slammed shut, and for the first time since I was 7, I cried because of the beating.

My insides felt sore, and there was the pounding of blood. I felt warmness spreading to areas of my stomach and midsection that never felt that way. The burning spread like a snake writhing through my insides, traveling from my lungs and ribs all the way to my stomach and kidneys.

Tears spilled from my eyes, and my lips quivered. The pain... It didn't feel this bad before, did it?

This was worse that being impaled by Mikasa. This was worse that watching Armin nearly get killed.

Now that I thought about it... Something broke. Like, internally. It felt like my chest and spine was out of place, and I couldn't get up. When I moved my back or front in any way, I felt the pain fry my nervous system and make my brain almost explode with agony.

I raised one of my arms, and felt along my thin pajama shirt. My breaths were becoming harder to get, and my lungs burned for oxygen. But every time I took a breath, it felt like a wooden stake was being pushed into my insides.

My fingers brushed over my bruised front, and I barely needed to feel it-or touch it, even-to know it was bruised.

But...that was it, right? Just bruises? Nothing was actually broken, right? I hoped.

When I thought real hard, it felt like... Like something was piercing my lungs.

Speaking of that, I couldn't breath. My eyelids felt heavy, and black dots were obstructing my vision. Oxygen was foreign to me.

With a few final tears, it took all my strength to say a few words with the last of my breath.



This is way too hard, cause I know,

When the sun comes up, I will leave,

This is my last glance that will soon be memory...



And the world faded to black.