Saudade

If I

Sometimes, No scratch that
all the time
I wonder if you could forgive me
If I end up my life just like that

If my mother will come back
If she will stay again with us
If she will cook and prepare our needs like the old times
If I still be with them if ever she come back.

If appa will not drink anymore
Nor used drugs when things gone wrong
Or said hurtful words to anything that I've gone wrong
And forgive mother for lefting us and gone all these years all along.

If Ate will stay in the house during sunday
Without using cellphone or any gadgets to communicate with em'
If I don't introduce nash to her
Would she stay with me any longer?

If my beloved lolo will think of my feelings too
That I need someone to comfort me too
Or stop blaming me as If I am the reason of anything that goes wrong. Yea I am the one to blame too.

If my lola is always in the mood
That all the hurtful words I can't take anymore
Did I did something wrong to treat me like a trash when I've done wrong.

If I am smarter, and have a confidence like them
If I have work and not stay in the house to help them
If I am not concern and let them work till they feel tired
If I am dead and not here anymore would they be glad that I am not here anymore?

If I end it today will I stop feeling the pain?
If I cry much more will it lessen the pain I felt all along?
If I talk less to them would they still find it the same
If only I can do anything to stop myself to feelin' the pain.

If I have someone who can listen to me
Without judging my feelings and sentiments
Who will hug me and tell me everthings gonna be alright.

If I am better to anyone
would they love and care for me like everyone
but I know there's one
who loved me even If I don't deserve to be one.