Too Close

7

*TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM AND ATTEMPTED SUICIDE :( *

The next morning, Calypso woke up to the warm breathy glow of the sun upon her face and miniscule particles of dust dancing in the yellow beam like faeries. She had never expected to miss her home as much as she did. She missed everything - the softness of her bed, the kind of cookies her dad would always get, the creepy teddybear that she had sitting on her shelf, even having everything coated in cat hair. She used to wake up on lazy Saturdays like this and smell freshly made pancakes and hear bacon sizzling in her dad's huge frying pan. But there were none of those things this morning. Dad's sick. Really sick. And you're old enough to care of yourself at college, so maybe it's time you stop expecting things and do them for yourself. He's even passed the getting-the-Christmas-tree baton on to you, Calypso thought. About ten minutes later she was up and making herself tea. Everything was in the same place as she'd left it - her father was very specific when it came to organization. She glanced at the things taped to the fridge. Underneath bills and an old letter or two she saw a fragment of orange. Pushing the things above it aside, she uncovered the paper - a picture of Calypso and her sister, Astoria, when they were in kindergarten. Her sister always had lovely red hair- just like their mother's. They were smiling, and Calypso had a random smear of bright green paint on her cheek. Her dad was there too, behind them, a broad grin across his face. His blonde hair was messy, with a tuft of unruly hair in the front. Calypso knew from the colour of her eyes, the shape of her face and  the constant pink flush on her cheeks that she was adopted. That was fine with her until second grade where she was teased about it. She loved her family dearly - especially her sister and father. Her mom always seemed to have had a certain dissatisfaction with Calypso, maybe because she wasn't born in the family. 

Calypso admired the photo that she held in her hands, her eyes resting on Astoria. Unknowingly, she hummed Astoria- a song that Calypso never got a chance to share with her sister. Oh, how she loved Astoria. She always was everything that Calypso couldn't be. Astoria was strong and athletic, but she jumped into things too soon. She had a temper too, she was going to leave home as soon as she could because she was so angry with her parents. Calypso understood why Astoria had decided this. When their parents started to go through with divorce, all structure that they had known was being torn apart. Most days Astoria walked home from lacrosse because neither of her parents had time with work and paperwork to pick her up. She'd step in the door to find her mom and dad screaming at each other. Calypso, being two years younger, was just scared, so she'd hide outside with a book and some snacks and wait until she couldn't hear the yelling. Every day that things like this happened, she'd find Astoria crying on the steps by the front door and invite her into the back yard. They'd read and talk and eat their crackers. And sometimes Calypso could calm Astoria down by singing. The song that shared her name had only come out last October, so Calypso could never sing it to her when her parents were still fighting. So on those days when she was a sophomore in highschool, she'd sing songs that were calm. Calypso remembered that Wake Me Up When September Ends was one that would calm Astoria down. She remembered sitting on a blanket by the lilac tree on a spring afternoon. With Astoria's head in her lap, Calypso would sing -Summer has come and passed, The innocent can never last, Wake me up when September ends - and Astoria, with tears filling her eyes, would manage to choke out -Here comes the rain again, Falling from the stars, Drenched in my pain again, Becoming who we are - The thing was, that final summer, right before Astoria would leave for college with a scholarship in sports, she never made it through to the next school term. That year was really rough, it was the first year that her mom and dad actually completed the divorce and were living on their own also she was getting teased and bullied at school just because she had a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend. Calypso would come home to her dad's and find Astoria weeping on the bathroom floor with gashes in her forearm. The floor had pools of scarlet blood on them. Calypso knew first aid so every time she'd patch her sister up and try her best to console her.

"Astoria, please. You're in the home stretch. After a few more months, you'll be off at college without mom or dad" Calypso would say.

"I know! it's just too much for me right now." Astoria said, choking back tears.

"And what will Alanis do without you? She depends on your strength to keep going. She gets picked on too!" Calypso had said.

"I try so hard for her. Please, just don't tell anyone," Astoria pleaded.

"Summer has come and passed, The innocent can never last, Wake me up when September ends-" Calypso sang as she pulled her sister into a tight hug.

"Here comes the rain again, Falling from the stars, Drenched in my pain again, Becoming who we are-" she'd continue.

Calypso had meant for Astoria to give up the fight within herself. That summer Astoria did give up the fight- she gave up the fight for life. That final summer, right before Astoria would leave for college with a scholarship in sports, she never pushed through. She tried and tried, but then she got tired of trying and gave up. That one night, Calypso wished that she could erase it and start again. She'd wished that she hadn't gone to the library instead of going directly home. She'd wished that she had told someone when this had all started. She wished that she didn't find her sister on the bathroom floor surrounded by her own blood, with an empty medication bottle next to her. She wished so hard that she could have found a pulse. She wished that she didn't have to go to Astoria's funeral two weeks later. She wished that she didn't have to tell Alanis about this. She wished so hard that none of it was real and that it was all a nightmare that she could wake up from.

It wasn't a nightmare she could wake up from, she'd have to deal with the anger and sorrow for the rest of her life. She did go to the library that night, she didn't tell somebody, she did find her broken sister lifeless that day, there was no pulse to find, she had to go to the funeral, she did have to tell Alanis, and she couldn't just erase it all and begin again. Calypso went through with everything that she needed to do, everything but feeling the pain. She cut herself off from other people and she got rid of everything that would remind her of Astoria. Calypso hardly ate for a month after her sister's funeral. She kept her memories of Astoria in a locked drawer of her mind, so she didn't stumble upon them and feel everything all over again. She would unlock it whenever she felt extremely sad, admiring the amazing life the sisters had shared; but every time, she found it harder and harder to close the drawer. But she did, and that made her the bravest one of her remaining family. If anything got too close to her emotionally, she'd push it away, try to keep herself distracted or hide it deep in her mind.

Calypso found herself sitting on the chilled floor, her arms shaking as she held the photo. Silent tears were pouring down her cheeks and they fell gently on to the picture. She realized that she would feel the same way when her father died too. Not if. When. The agonizing pain would return and settle in her chest. This only made her cry harder. She managed to pull herself together. As she stood up, she grabbed a towel to dry her tears. She tried to focus on what she was going to do that day. I'm going to get a Christmas tree today, and I'll decorate it, she thought to herself. That's all I need to do.