Dreamland Dimensions

Chapter Eleven: Maltreated Heart

The room was swallowed in a dim blue light, slow R&B music played in the background and set the mellow mood. A candle sat on the nightstand, the apple cinnamon scent filled the room and mixed with the haze of marijuana. The scent was enticing, a familiar scent from home and my peers but I've never smoked on my own. It was Sunday afternoon, Ruby called me over to her house and I could tell her intentions over the phone. But I came over anyway, my mind was clouded and for some reason not even the night sky could soothe me. I had an epiphany the moment Ruby waltz out of the bathroom wearing matching red bra and panties with a thin silk black rob hanging loosely from her shoulders.

I was losing myself in this world, I felt it in my chest as she walked seductively towards me and ridiculed myself in my head.

I was too young to think the way I did but youth was stubborn I suppose because even though I knew better. I still did everything wrong, she held the blunt to her lips taking a hit but her body still moved in tune with the music. The smoke made a cloud, Ruby looked enchanting and mystical. She paused, stepping in the space between my legs and held the blunt to my lips, "Vibe with me baby". I looked up to her, her eyes low and red but still seemed to sparkle. I took the re-rolled cigar from between her fingers, holding it between my lips and mimicking the thing I saw everyday. The smoke filled my lungs, Ruby smiled down at me as she leaned closer and pressed her lips against mine. Smoke seeped from between our locked lips as we lost ourselves in the kiss. Ruby broke the kiss, stepping back and continued to dance. I stared down at the blunt between my fingers, holding it between my lips and taking another drag. The room slowly filled with smoke as we passed the blunt back and forth between each other until it was gone.

My thoughts got cloudy, everything seemed to slow down and the pain inside my chest seemed to calm down but I knew it was only momentarily.

Ruby lit three more candles, sitting them on the nightstand by the bed with the other one and dropped her rob before walking over to me slowly. It was as if she was moving in slow motion, my heart was jumping and I could hear it in my ears. She stood between my legs, turning slowly and sat in my lap, "So you really 14 years old?". Ruby was eighteen years old, she had graduated and was attending cosmetology school. "Yeah, why?" I asked, turning my head so her hair wouldn't go in my face, "Is that a problem?". "No, I was just trying to figure out why you out in these streets becoming the worse kind of man" Giggled Ruby, grinding against me, "Thinking where your parents at?". I laughed, wrapping my arms around her waist, I bet I'm a statistic and I'm just another one of many fucked up children. "They don't care about me" I answered, honestly, nuzzling my face into her neck, "I can do what I want". She moved my arms, standing up and turned towards me, "You're more of a sad loner boy than a bad boy...why you doing this?". Ruby pushed me back on the bed, straddling my waist and pressed her hands against my chest, "Why you go become something you not?". "What am I if I'm not this?" I questioned, frowning up at her. She leaned down, our breath mingled and our eyes locked, "You not no killer, for sure...but you not a soft ass nigga either and I can see that".

I felt like her eyes were searching in mine but she couldn't read me. Ruby sighed sitting up and shrugged, "You a mystery".

But she couldn't have been more wrong. I wasn't mysterious at all, she just didn't see the shattered pieces I hide inside. That was the difference between any other girl and Anastasia, she always knew where it hurt. I didn't care if Ruby knew me or not, I knew her intentions were only sexual. I was appealing to her because I skipped school and sold drugs. Ruby liked the bad boy she believed I was pretending to be, she was a girl from the streets and every man in her family went the same route. She came from a big family with 9 siblings; 6 older brothers and 3 older sisters. 2 of her older brothers was in prison, 2 of them were killed in shootings and the last 2 of her brothers joined the military. Ruby was just following the footsteps of her mother and big sisters, it was in her veins and she couldn't help it. We kissed, I lost myself in her enchantment. Not confused or tricked but completely willing. Her hips grind against me as we kissed, my hands rubbed up her thighs and rested on her waist.

It was lust, no it was just a clueless boy with a broken heart and a scrambled mind. I was confused about the world, I never been sure about anything.

Not myself, not this life and sometimes I'm not sure about Anastasia. Everything feels so surreal when I'm with Anastasia as if I hadn't been shattered into pieces and for a moment just as long as I'm with her, I want to live. But now I felt empty even as Ruby sat on top of me completely naked. I felt completely hollow when I wasn't with Anastasia, I smirked and Ruby giggled, "You like what you see little boy?". She was beautiful but even though she sat on top of me, she looked insecure just waiting for my reply but she just wanted to be accepted. Acceptance means Ruby would let me in, all I had to do was say that she looked good and even though it's the truth. It's a cruel control she allows me to have over her so I nodded, caressing her body and fondling her breast. You wouldn't believe me if I said I had no clue what I was doing I bet you would think I was lying, I deceived her so well but it wasn't her because Ruby couldn't tell.

I could tell by the sad smile she gave me that a lot of boy told her that she was beautiful but probably treated her terrible.

I stopped, taking my hands off her body and sat up. "What you doing?" Asked Ruby, confused. "I can't do this" I muttered, shaking my head as I lifted her up and sat her on the bed, "You don't really want to do this". "I called you here didn't I?" She retorted, rolling her eyes, "Doesn't that mean I want to?". I looked into her eyes, Ruby was feeling rejected but she was just a normal girl and she couldn't hide the sadness. She hadn't been through the trauma of Anastasia's life so her mask was weak, for no reason tears just start running down her face and her arms wrapped around her body, hiding herself from me. I had Ruby figured wrong, maybe she was just as broken and sleeping around with niggas was her escape. "What are you looking for?" I asked, the words came out on there own, "What are you crying for?". Ruby rubbed her eyes, avoiding my eyes and staring at her feet, "I'm sorry...I can't believe I did this in front of you". She looked up at me, her eyeliner smudge and running down her cheeks, "It feels like you can look right through me with those eyes". I picked the black silk rob off the floor, wrapping it around her and kneeled in front of the bed, "I ain't looking through you...I'm right here and I'm just looking at you. I can't see what you don't show me". Ruby sniffled, the tip of her nose was bright red and her cheeks were flushed.

Someone must've broke this beautiful girl's heart, smashed her confidence to pieces and burned her self-esteem to ash.

There was no sharing of advice, I just watched a girl I've only know for a week crumble in front of me but I didn't say a thing. It was nothing I could say because I didn't have confidence either and my self-esteem went to shit before I had even made double digit age. I felt as if I wasn't shit, completely unaware of how other people might of felt because in reality no one really cares about other's strife. Ruby cried herself to sleep, still naked with just the small rob on and eyeliner smudged on her face. I stood up, stretching and yawning. It was night time already, I shook her gently and woke her up. "Come lock up, I got school in the morning" I explained. She nodded half sleep, climbing out of the bed and began to get dressed in pajamas. "Oh, Quinton...thank you" uttered Ruby, walking me to the front door, "I'm sorry it ended like that". "It's cool, be careful and get some rest" I replied, shrugging as I walked away, "Lock up".

We had no clue what we were doing anyway.