A Walk Through Hell (Boyxboy)

Chapter 4- Sometimes you're the hammer, sometimes you're the nail

**Warning: there's a sex scene near the end of this chapter.**

“Zander are you alright in there?” It was Shane, rapping lightly on the bathroom door. I ignored him and sighed at my reflection. I didn’t look that horrible, my color was still intact, but with my clothes off, I wanted to puke at my own reflection. My spine was jutting out, my knees and elbows were boney, my fingers were too thin and my collar bone was almost as ridiculous as my rib cage was. The space between my thighs was amazingly huge. But also disgusting. I never wanted to look like a walking bag of bones. I just wanted to be thin. And now I can’t stop. Being small. Tiny. There was no trying anymore. There was no amount of overeating or not exercising I could do to turn back. I wouldn’t gain it all back again.

I brought it all on myself. I knew what I was getting into. I knew that I was doomed. From the start. At the beginning, when the acidic liquid ran up my throat and out through my mouth, burning the back of my throat, making my eyes tear up. It wasn’t pretty. It was never beautiful, choking up yet another meal I faked. It was never anything I wanted to do, you know? I just had to. And now I have to stop, but I can’t. And now it’s still not pretty. I bite it back when I’m in public. I try not to. I try so hard. I usually sit in my room and cry about it. The bile rising, burning my throat. I dank water, trying to push it down, but that only makes it come up faster.

“Zander, please. I know you’re upset.” I tried to stop the whimper that fought to escape me.  “Do you want to leave? Go back early? I wouldn’t blame you.” I went and unlocked the door before stepping back and crossing my arms over my chest, I watched as the door slowly opened, and Shane, looking more unsure of what to do with himself then ever stepped in, his eyebrow raised and his hand in his pocket. He’d been running his hand through his hair a lot, I could tell by the way it was pushed back, and standing up on the side, half from just waking up an hour ago. I smiled at him sadly. He was beautiful. I didn’t belong with him. Yet he was here. Giving me all of his time. I didn’t deserve it.

“No. I don’t want to go home. I love it here. I just...” He shook his head. “I talked to her. Chelsea said she’d apologize-”

“I don’t want a fake apology, Shane. I just don’t like it when people are upset with me for things I can’t change. I can’t change being depressing and fucking miserable most of the time. I try to. But it’s impossible.” Shane frowned. “Are you really that sad?” He asked. I shrugged. “Not when you’re holding me.” I muttered. He offered a small smile but it didn’t reach his eyes and I wanted to take away all of the pain I was inflicting on him. I just had to figure out how to.

“Don’t shut yourself up in the bathroom, Zander. I swear she won’t press it anymore. She’s being an overprotective bitch right now. I told her to shut it.” I smiled. “Don’t do that. Don’t defend me against your family. You need them.” He shook his head. “Not if they can’t except the love of my life.” I blushed then, and he gestured for me to go to him. I did, and he wrapped his arms around me. “I love you,” He whispered, kissing my forehead.

“Thanks. For loving me.” I muttered.

***

I’m guessing that because of my condition and Shane’s hate for amusement parks, that was ruled out and instead, Shane and I went on a walk to their garden in the back.  Rory decided to join us, bringing his kid along, who was asking so many questions, Shane thought it was adorable but I thought it was annoying and I just wanted to be alone with him.

"Mom used to come out here and make us slave over planting these flowers. It was worth it, of course but it was torture." Shane smiled, wrapping his arm around me and kissing my cheek. I smiled up at him. He's never looked so content. Never. It made me sad that we were leaving in two days. "It's beautiful though. Especially when you get past the garden and into the little forest. It leads to a little lake we used to go boating and fishing on." Rory's words had me excited. "Can we go?" I asked him, twisting around to look at him, with his son on his shoulders. "Sure. I'm going to have to turn back soon. Have to work."