A Walk Through Hell (Boyxboy)

Chapter 28- Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

"First, I want to congratulate you all. You've accomplished so much, reaching level four in the FirstStep program. Second, today is meant to be fun. This is an adventure. This will be what will get you out of here, or keep you in here. So don't frick it up. Cheers!" Our activities director had the strongest British accent I'd ever heard, and I had lived in Great Britain.

"Cheers," a kid who had decided to annoy me by acting buddy-buddy mimicked her. "I'm British," I muttered matter-of-factly. He shut up then. Oh the joys of people. I actually really despised the majority of people here. No one here quite met to criteria of 'alright to hang out with' most were very gothic. Some were obviously rich brats, and the rest were talent-less pushovers like myself. The kid who had latched himself onto me was one of the Goths. Clad in all black, with eyeliner and orange hair. The surprising thing? He was straight. The first thing he said to me was "Whoa those as some great breasts, don't miss 'em! Oh you missed 'em! They were amazing."

We walked outside, into the blazing heat. I wore khaki straight legs and a white band T-shirt. It was still hot. we were loaded onto vans. With groups. I was super lucky to get the kid attached to my hip, Stewart, a pissed looking girl with a miniskirt on over ripped leggings named Allis, another girl who looked nice enough named Jane, and a devilish looking guy named Nico. I couldn't wait for today to end.

"I haven't seen you around before," Allis said, leaning into me. Even though we were sitting right next to each other. "He's one of the crazies. Look at his arms. Wicked." Nico said, grabbing my arm. I pulled away from him, leaning into Allis accidentally. She grinned at me. "I like a man who's a little crazy. They always have the biggest cocks." I blanched. "I only get it up for dudes, your out of luck," I told her. Stewart laughed. Nico patted my shoulder. "We could have fun then, trade me seats Allie." She glared at him. "Its Allis, assbutt."

I drowned them out. I didn't want to be on this trip. I was too homesick. I just wanted to sit at home and listen to A Day To Remembers new album with Shane and pretend I knew how to scream like Jeremy. Shane's name hurt to say aloud. It hurt to think about him. But I've realized it always would. It was the salt in my wounds. It stung. It burned, but not anymore than it had two months ago. I got used to it after a while. Accepted it. We were no more.

And maybe that's why I had gotten dressed today with half a mind that summer started a couple days ago and it would be hot out. I skipped right over the sweatshirt. Or maybe being sad all the time was getting to me. Maybe I was learning to stop holding onto things that hurt me. Like yesterday, I thought of my mom. How she used to always burn the food because my grilled cheese was a little overdone. I smiled at the memory. Shared it with the guy feeding Fred. He laughed at it too. It was a good memory. No matter how things end with a person. No matter if we hate each other, we'll always look back and remember the small things.

And one of the small things I remembered about Shane was that he had an unnatural love for Common Courtesy and we put our money together on a Wednesday afternoon when he'd paid all the bills and he was sort of broke and we bought the whole album on ITunes and we both fell in love with End Of Me and cried at Sometimes You're The Hammer, Sometimes You're The Nail.

I missed him. There was an aching in my chest. But it was manageable. He was my first everything. But did that mean I had to end it with him? No. I deserved to live as much as anyone else. It just took me this long to figure it out. Starting college excited me. I got to become someone. Study literature. Learn more about the English language. Philology had always interested me. I could major in English. I could learn different languages. Backpack around Europe. Asia. India. Live a little. Read as many books as I wanted. Write books. I used to love writing.

"Dude, dude," I snapped out of my own mind back to reality. Nico was leaning into me. "Were you serious about being gay? Because I am too. We could leave the group, get it on in the bathroom." I frowned. "Ew no. If I ever want clamydia, I'll be sure to call you." I said winking at him. The quiet girl, Jane snickered. I turned to her. "Like that? There's a lot more where that came from. I'm here all week."