A Walk Through Hell (Boyxboy)

Chapter 7- Jealousy is the ugliest trait

“Zander wake up, please?” I yawned turned over, covering my head with the other half of my pillow. “Leave me alone,” I mumbled, sleepily. “No, our plane leaves in two hours, we need to leave.” I sighed. “We can just stay here.” Shane chuckled. “We have the rest of the year to finish up at school,” I sat up slowly. “I hate, hate, hate you.” He frowned playfully. “I don’t care, get up.” I let out a groan but got up; taking the clothes he threw at me into the bathroom with me. I stepped into the shower and let the warm water wake me completely. We were going back to the fucking place. It was hell, honestly. Not school or anything, just the fact that my mother and my not-really-my-father were in prison there, and I had one more trial on the 1st. Had to be in that forsaken court room with the man that made my skin crawl and the woman that made my eyes prickly whenever she spoke of me. That was my mom, my fucking mother, but she couldn’t even put me first. It was always him. Every fucking time. It was him. He fucked her up, he fucked it up.  And for what? I wasn’t even his damned son, thank god. I didn’t need another reason to want to die.

It was funny, that I could still feel the bruise in my side from where he had kicked me, but all my scars had almost faded and healed. I hadn’t really cut in two months. I just wouldn’t be able to take it if Shane saw anything. That didn’t mean that I threw everything out. Because I hadn’t. My razor was safely tucked away in my closet for a time I really needed it. And that felt like every other day, but I’m talking about the times I couldn’t take a god damned thing anymore and I felt like a piece of shit.

I stepped out of the shower and got dressed quickly, not wanting to accidentally look at myself in the mirror. Even if I hadn’t seen myself, I knew I was still the same size. And that should be making me happy, but my mind-set was still losing weight. Even if I could mask it for the duration of a meal. It still burned in the back of my mind. Like it always will, I think. I left the bathroom, and Shane had our bags in the middle of the bed.

He was on his phone, leaning against the wall by the door, looking like some kind of model, with his hair in perfect formation, not a strand out of place, and his jeans a bit too low, were I could see his black boxers because he still hadn’t put on a shirt, even though it was laying on the dresser.

He looked up and smiled at me. “Brush your hair.” He muttered. I frowned. “You brush your hair,” I shot back before sighed and slinking over to my suitcase for a brush, if I even remembered to pack one. I usually used Shane’s anyway. “Where’s yours?” I asked him, absentmindedly unzipping the front pocket of his. “Side pocket,” Once the brush was in my hand, I went back to the bathroom, smiling when I saw my tooth brush on the counter beside a tube of toothpaste. At least someone was prepared.

After about thirty minutes we both went downstairs, were his aunt and cousins were sitting the living room, watching some church service on the TV.

Chelsea looked up at me as we entered the room and sighed looking back down at her baby and smiling at him before picking him up and walking out of the room. At least she was nice to her kid. “Hey, we’re about to go,” Shane said his aunt looked up from the TV, smiling warmly. “Are you? Oh dear, time has flown.” She got up and hurried over to us, hugging Shane first, and then me. When she pulled away from me though, she pinched my cheeks, even though with how underweight I was, there was absolutely no extra skin to pinch. “I’m so glad we got to finally meet you. Maybe next time you can visit for longer, yeah?” I smiled at her, and it was what I hoped was a grateful smile, but it probably looked more like a grimace because she was holding my cheeks. Shane cleared his throat.

“Our plane leaves in 50 minutes, we really need to go. Rory,” He muttered. Rory got up and winced. “What happened?” Shane asked him. He shook his head. “That hike yesterday, it killed my leg.” Shane rolled his eyes and muttered “Lazy,” pretending to cough to cover his insult.

In the car, Shane was still on his phone and I looked out the window, at all the pretty scenery we never even explored. The beautiful houses that were the same in each neighborhood. The tiny coffee shop on the corner. It was all very homey. Like a little safety net. I’d never lived anywhere like this, but if I had, I would have loved it. I’m sure of it. I looked over at Shane, and he was still on that damned phone. “Who are you texting?” I asked. My words dripped with curiosity when I was really just jealous.

Shane looked up. “An old friend of mine, he’s moving back from Australia.” I frowned, “He moved to Australia?” Shane nodded, looking back down at his phone. “We were best friends until eighth grade when he moved.” I nodded, even though he wasn’t even looking at me. “Oh,” I whispered before leaning my head against the cold glass of the window, flicking the button that locked and unlocked the door.

I wish I had someone else to text too. Or even a phone. So I didn’t feel like such a loser all the time. But that’s a feeling I should be used to by now. I’ve never had friends. Ever. And up until a little while ago, I hadn’t even had a boyfriend. It felt worse. Having a boyfriend and no friends. Maybe I should make some. Friends. But no one wants a friend who’s dying. Voluntarily.

At the airport, I stood aside while Shane said goodbye, and then we were rushing to the plane. In line, Shane grabbed my hand and kissed me on the cheek, but I didn’t feel it. Not really. I mean, yeah, I felt his lips on my skin, and I felt his finger slip through mine but I didn’t feel the shock of electricity that I always felt. I fucking hated feeling like this. My self-esteem was too low for a relationship, but of course, my heart trumped my head in this one. Because it was Shane, and it was crazy, but he’d never forget about me because his best friend came back, right? The best friend I never knew he had. He never told me about him. I guess he didn’t really have to, but that would have been a great story.

When we were seated, I felt a thousand times worse than before and I just leaned my head on his shoulder, wrapping my arm around his torso. I really was exhausted from emotional stress, even though I swear it’s just jealousy. I wasn’t even that jealous, was I? No. I don’t think so. The guy wasn’t even here yet.

But my stomach twisted at the thought of him being tall and tan and built. I didn’t want Shane to have a best friend who makes me look like trash. He could possibly leave me, even though he could have left me before. I watched his thumbs tap his screen, and the tiny hint of a smile on his lips. He was lovely. I couldn’t help but kiss his neck. He looked at me and kissed me lightly on the forehead “What’s up?” he asked. He knew something was wrong, but I could tell him about it. “Nothing. I guess I’m just tired.” He didn’t believe me and raised his eyebrows. “Are you sure? Because just before I told you about him, you were just fine. Are you jealous?” I shook my head. “No, leave me alone,” I grumbled. Of course he knew. He wasn’t an idiot.

“You’re jealous.” He muttered. I shook my head, burying my face in his chest. “He’s not even my type, Zander. Calm down,” He mumbled. I didn’t believe him. Anyone could be your type if you liked them enough. I thought my type was the female race.

***

The drive home was a little awkward. There was a little bit of tension, And even Max could sense it, because he turned the radio on the some indie rock channel. We dropped Shane off, and I watched him walk up the stairs to his apartment after he kissed me goodbye. I unbuckled as Max pulled out of the parking lot and laid down. We have about ten miles until we got back to the house. And I felt like shit.

I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing, even though it didn’t help. The panic attack I’d been holding back ever since the plane ride began was creeping up on me. And soon, I couldn’t even breathe. All I could do was think. Over think the whole situation. I was over reacting, but I couldn’t help it. Because I knew how strained our relationship was. I couldn’t even lie to make it sound like it was okay. He didn’t want a guy who didn’t eat. He wanted a tall tan Australian.

“You okay?” Max asked me at a red light. I wanted to say yes, but I was biting the insides of my cheeks too hard to talk. I tried nodding, but that only made me feel worse, so I settled for a whimper. He started driving again, not saying anything, because he knew I wouldn’t talk to him. For someone who didn’t raise me, he knew me pretty well.

~and more drama. I'm proud of this chapter idek why i just like it.

theres school tomorrow and i've done 0% of my homework oops. i've been busy with my new puppy and supernatural. my bad.

(i used lyrics from a hip-hop/r&b song for the title sue me \m/)

anyway, vote, comment, whatevers.