A Walk Through Hell (Boyxboy)

Chapter 29- Clairvoyant

We won the so called race. So we piled into our van and we debated on where to go for a celebratory dinner. They chose Olive Garden. Quite frankly, I hated pasta. Took a trip to Italy once. We ate pasta for a straight week. That following week, I learned to never take fish and chips for granted again.

In the car Jane and I talked more. About meaningless stuff. It felt good. To have a friend who wasn't always talking about getting high or how hot so and so was. We talked about the age of philosophy and religion. Two things I was opinionated about, and she was opposed to. We talked music, school. Shit that didn't matter. I think it was safe to say I found a friend in her.

We arrived and everyone jumped out of the van. Starving. Ready for food that wasn't made by the facility we were in. We were seated in no time, and everyone ate breadsticks. I had to admit the breadsticks were pretty damn tasty. The drinks were ordered first. I was the only one to get water, and everyone made fun of me for it. "I just wanted to say...this is my favorite restaurant and if you don't finish, pass that shit to me!" Stewart said. We all laughed.

Soon we were all eating. Each of us had a different kind of pasta. "Hopefully we all get out," Allis said between bites of food. Nico nodded. "Yeah. So Zander and I can fuck." I shook my head. "Its sexual harassment dude," I muttered. He shrugged. "You give me sexual frustration." That was highly improbable. I had a complete lack of allure. "Are you even gay?" Allis asked him. He nodded. "I kissed a guy once. I liked it too." I rolled my eyes. "And anyway. He's a pretty boy." I blushed. "No I'm not."

"Lets pass our plates to the left!" Stewart shouted. I don't know if everyone was as confused as me, but we all passed our plates, and then we were eating different plates. We all liked the idea, so after about five or so minutes, we passed out plates to the left. It was quite possibly the funniest dinner I had attended. We were the loudest table. Joking, laughing, it was hard to tell we were all sad. But it would be hard to tell anyway, because the saddest people laughed the loudest.

After dinner, we got back into our van. It was a long drive home, so we all relaxed and just talked. I was happy to be in the company of others. People who didn't stare at walls. People who were interesting. I didn't necessarily like anyone but Jane, but they were good enough. Jane asked me about Shane. Quite loudly. So everyone was curious.

"Oh...uh...he was...amazing." I muttered. Trying not to think to hard. Not about him. "There's got to be more." Allis said. "Yeah...um..." Jane interrupted. "Tell us the whole story." She suggested. I sighed. "Well. We met and he was interesting. The way he dressed. The way he spoke. Everything drew me to him. And he was flat out nice to me. One day we were at his house and...I had never kissed anyone ever. So he took it upon himself to teach me." I stopped talking to smile sadly at the memory. "Then we were dating. And he helped me through a lot. He didn't judge. He was patient. He was lovely. He really was. We fell in love. There's no other way to say it." Jane 'awed'.

"I tried to kill myself. For the second time since I met him. It broke him. I hurt him and...that was on me. Just me. It was all my fault. Because I was running from my problems again. And shortly after that he invited me to go visit his family. And I went but we fought a lot there. We came back and I had to go to court. Because my mom had put me in danger because the man that did a piss poor job at raising me beat me. And she was pregnant with my dads baby. So I had to go. And my mom...hates me. So...I took that hard and I tried to kill myself again. I ended up here. For a month. I went home and things were patchy. Shane and I argued. We'd go days without talking. I couldn't feel it when he kissed me. Which was hard to take." I stopped myself for a second. Trying to stop the tears.

"We were fighting one day. He said something that upset me, and I said something super personal and he yelled at me. A lot. And then he broke up w-with me." The whine in my voice was evident.

I should stop.

I should shut up.

But Jane asked.

I let out a breath. Because it didn't hurt that much anymore. Just the state I was in wasn't good. "It was too much to handle. I was afraid to be alone. I also loved him. Love him. I still do. I always will. I cried and cried and cried. I missed him. Its not like I-I don't now. Its just that I was afraid then. To miss him. To hurt. But...now I know better. And I'm better."

"Better as in over him?" Nico asked quietly. I shook my head. "No. Better as in accustomed to the loss. I can't look at anyone with interest. I see him. Everywhere. So...I mean, I think that's just how its supposed to go. I just wish it didn't go like that."

"Did y'all have sex?" Allis murmured sleepily. I furrowed my eyebrows. "Is that all you think about?" I asked. She giggled. "Tell me about the sex. I need a bedtime story." Jane reached over and took the liberty of smacking her in the arm. "I'm not...getting that far into detail." I said awkwardly.

The van parked back at the hospital and we all sluggishly got out. Nico hugged me first, grabbing my ass. Then Allis, then Stewart, and then Jane, who I hugged back. We walked back inside where we were checked back in. And separated. I was led to my room. When I got inside, Fred was still up. Staring. I sighed and shook my head.

"Today was fun." I muttered. He was as brain dead as ever. "I made a friend and ate a lot of pasta. Almost wish you were there." He still didn't do a thing. Typical Fred behavior. "Do you sometimes wish you never did it Fred? Do you wish you would have fought back instead of shooting yourself? You have to live with it every day. Knowing you could have led a full life. High school is four short years. And then you're out in the real world. Away from them...I just...wonder sometimes. If I had done what you had. Would I be where you are? I would regret it. They say don't regret any decisions you make because you wanted it at one point, but I think I'd regret it."

He picked his nose once more and laid down. "We're not so different," I mumbled before changing into the white long john typed pajamas they gave me. I laid down under the itchy blanket I had gotten used to over the weeks and smiled. Because everything would work out fine.

The phone rang for me at nine at night. It was Max. "Hey," I yawned into the phone. I had been sleeping. "How was it?" He was asking about the trip. "Terrific. We hiked. My group got to the top first, we won dinner." he went on about how fun that must have been for me. "Yeah it was. We went to Olive Garden." We talked a little more. I told him I had one friend. Well, one friend I valued.

They made me get off ten minutes later. It was past bed time.

~ Clairvoyant by The Story So Far is sad and I had it stuck in my head while writing this so sorry it has nothing to do with the chapter because this ones positive too.

oh and sorry this has nothing to with anything but I've literally been waiting for Lorde's new album since her last one came out I wish she'd just write more music already ugh and I HAVE THIS THING WHERE MY HAND GETS SHARP PAIN WHEN I PICK SOMETHING UP OR USE IT THE WRONG WAY AND IT LIKE REALLY SHARP FUCKING  PAIN OKAY AND MY MOM THINKS ITS CARPEL TUNNEL (IDEK HOW TO SPELL IT) BUT LAST YEAR IT WAS IN MY LEFT HAND AND I WORE A BRACE FOR LIKE TWO MONTHS BUT NOW ITS IN MY RIGHT HAND AND IT HURTS MY WHOLE FUCKING HAND AND THAT HURTS MORE THAN JUST MY WRIST OWW

had to re-post chapter 29-32 *sigh*