Step 1: Make Changkyun Stay

chapter one

The car ride back to the dormitories was not the best one Changkyun had ever experienced, to say the least. 

Though, he got to admit he felt ten times worse when his name got called out just an hour ago. He felt as if there was a monster at the very bottom of his stomach, eating him inside out with guilt. 

Guilt of having stolen away someone else's spot. 

Every time the corner of his lips rose with the happiness of debuting, the grin would evaporate away when he remembered his six other members despised his presence.

The nine boys sat in silence as the surroundings outside passed by them in a blur. Looking out of the window of the van, Gunhee finally broke the silence. "I can't believe I'm not debuting." He said with a bitter laugh. The sarcastic laughter reverberated throughout the vehicle.

Changkyun flinched. 

He knew it was indirectly meant for him. If he wasn't in the survival show at all, Gunhee would definitely had debuted. He knows it. Everyone knows.

He stayed silent, looking out of the window as well,  trying hard to focus on the scenery outside and not the conversation at hand. He failed.  Subconsciously, his hands tightened their grip on his jacket and he tried to keep his poker face intact.

"I know." Jooheon, replied, his voice cracking - probably the aftermath of crying his lungs out just now.

It hurts.

Changkyun slid back further into his seat uncomfortably, softly letting out a shaky breath he didn't know he was holding.

He doesn't get it. Why was he still so affected by the other boys' attitudes towards him? It has been weeks. He should have gotten used to it already.

Or maybe he has. But it still hurts him to the very core.

The tension in his body remained, even when the vehicle pulled up in the parking lot. The boys made their way up into their dorm, with Changkyun trailing wordlessly behind.

He entered his room all alone, not sure if he even deserved to be in the same room as the others who were bidding farewell to the two boys who were going to leave. Unsure of what to do, he slowly packed his belongings, overhearing Jooheon's sobs coming back from the other room. 

The dorm was silent, after Changkyun overheard Gunhee's promise to contact his best friend frequently.

They were probably hating on me, Changkyun failed to stop his mind from having such thoughts. They were probably saying about how if I wasn't here, at least Gunhee or Seokwon would have debuted. 

He understood, though. 

If he were them, he would have disliked the new guy too. 

But just because he understood, doesn't mean it hurt less.

-

After many deep breathes which failed to calm his nerves, Changkyun felt the need to take a walk. It wasn't like he was running away from his problems and fears. He was just taking a temporary break. At least, that's what he tried to convince himself.

When he stepped out of the room, he was greeted by the scene of Gunhee and Seokwon preparing to leave. They hugged each and everyone of the boys, except for Changkyun. That wasn't unexpected.

 And they left, without so much as a second glance towards the figure at the corner.

Changkyun took a deep breath to try to calm his shaky self, before approaching the door where everyone were at. He noticed their eyebrows raise. 

"I... I'm going out for awhile." He mumbled before putting on his shoes and walking out. He didn't stay for the others to bash and blame him for what he had done. It wasn't like he wasn't aware of what he had done, anyway. 

It wasn't like they cared about him, anyway.

-

It was cold out. 

The air was frozen lace on his skin, delicate and cold. His breath hung in the air like slow moving clouds, and he subconsciously pulled his only layer of clothing tighter to his skin.

Changkyun cursed himself for forgetting to bring along his jacket. He wasn't going to go back to take it, though.

He didn't want to face his members. Or, the people who he had to work with. They weren't even close to the kind of relationship where he could proudly announce them as his members. So they were just his working partners. 

Not that Changkyun had any complaints.

And so he walked, and walked. His arms wrapped around his torso as he braced the cold.

He didn't realize where he was going until he found himself in a park. Even then, he continued walking, trying his best to ignore the soft breeze blowing onto him, as if mocking him of his current plight.

Teeth chattering, his mind was flooded with thoughts.

Negative ones.

The boy had wandered into the playground area, before finally noticing how tired and numb his legs were. The swing let out a loud creaking when Changkyun sat heavily on it, before he sighed in despair, making an instant soft puff of cloud.

Maybe he had been keeping in his feelings for too long and overthinking as usual, for he suddenly felt everything crashing down. It was as if the heaviness of the situation had just weighted itself on him. 

Before he knew it, he was blinking back tears, willing them to go away when he felt a pair of arms embracing him from behind. He instinctively leaned back in an instant, soaking himself into the warmth of the person. 

It seems so long ago, when someone had hugged him.

"Shhh, it's okay." The person said. And that was all it took, for Changkyun to finally burst into loud, uncontrollable sobs as he broke down after weeks of holding it in.