A/N: I wrote this a couple months ago, but I'm still p satisfied with it. Please tell me what you guys think!
Au of canon where Dirk fails at saying no.
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Dirk had known Roxy was in love with him for a long time.
She'd never been known for being subtle.
He kind of liked how honest she was.
He almost wished he could be more like her.
She told him how much she loved him almost every day.
She never remembered.
She'd been drinking a lot lately.
He worried about her a little more than he'd like to admit.
He was distracted and thinking about that boy more than he'd like to admit.
They were both alone.
No-one believed Roxy.
Dirk didn't think they were ready to know.
It was just her and him, alone in hell.
She said she loves him.
He knows.
He wished he loved her back.
He thinks about that boy far too much.
That boy is his first priority.
But he shouldn't be.
She should be the most important.
Dirk tried to tell that boy he was in love with him.
He hinted, he flirted, he made suggestions.
That boy was always oblivious.
It wasn't as nervewrecking or painstaking when she did it.
When she did it, it was almost heart-breaking.
He wished he could give her what she wanted.
But he didn't love her that way.
He wished he wasn't "that way".
It was his fault she couldn't be truly happy.
She got more and more sober the longer the game lasted.
He couldn't tell whether it was the game getting to her, or if she was finally running out of alcohol.
He felt a surge of pride when he found out she'd quit drinking all on her own.
He wished he could be like her.
He wished he was as selfless and strong and kind.
He respected her more than anyone else.
He wished he wasn't gay.
He wished he could just love her back, but the other boy was too busy taking Dirk's heart with an iron fist and squeezing until he was bled dry.
He was so f***ing done.
He was done with that boy, with the bullsh*ttery and the lovesickness and the heartache and the void that came afterwards, the void of not caring.
He told her he loved her.
He didn't mean to.
He didn't mean it in the way she wanted most.
But he meant it 'cause he loved her and maybe he should just let go and stop caring about what he wanted, just stop caring about anyone but her, because he didn't need anything other than strong, platonic love like that, did he?
And if he could make her smile every day, maybe it'd be worth it.
No.
It would be.
And it was.
It was worth it, trying to make her laugh every day.
It was worth it, seeing how brightly she smiled when he'd kiss her on the forehead and say he'd always protect her.
It was worth it, knowing she had his back, too.
It clawed at him from the pit of his stomach.
Wanting to tell her he really wasn't straight.
He wanted to tell her so badly.
He wanted to stop looking at other dudes, to stop being interested and to stop falling in love.
She thought he was just visiting his "bro".
He wished he could tell her how he really felt about him.
He wished he could tell him how he felt.
But he was being selfish.
He wanted to be selfless, like how she'd always been and always is--
To be selfless, and focus on how happy she was.
He could live with a platonic love.
But maybe that was selfish.
He told her that she was beautiful, and he loved her, and she was the most important woman alive.
He wasn't lying.
He never was.
He meant every word he ever told her.
If she knew, she'd say those words were meaningless.
He couldn't lose her.
He couldn't have him.
No matter how true anything he'd ever say would ever be, he'd always be a liar, and he'd always hate himself for it.
But it was almost worth it to see her smile.
Almost.
Knowing that he was just f***ing her over, too, kept him from doing anything.
He was damned if he said he was hers, damned if he didn't.
He never wanted to make her cry.
If he made her feel like sh**, then that meant he was sh**.
He knew he was.
But it was worse knowing he might ruin her, that he was ruining her, even if she didn't know it and even if he wanted more than anything to pretend he didn't know, either.
They were the last man and woman alive, growing up.
They should've been made for each-other.
But he really didn't love her that way.
And he hated himself for leading her on like this.
This is unhealthy, he'd think as she kissed his cheek.
"This is so, so unhealthy, and I'm going to ruin everything, no matter what I do."
He wished he loved her that way.
He wondered if she knew.
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Homestuck Oneshot Compilation
FanfictionA compilation of random Homestuck oneshots, as the title says. This won't update on a schedule--just when I get the inspiration to write something. Feel free to request a fic! REVIEWS AND CRITICISM ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!
