mortality | uta

Nine

Charlotte

....

Its been a two weeks and four days of travelling, from the Sensō-ji temple of the Asakusa district to the Ginza district, the busiest shopping area in Tokyo. I couldnt help but to feel the nostalgic feeling of seeing the sights even if it were for the first time, it semed that every place we visit, the food we eat brings back old familiarity which piqued my curiosity to no end. I wanted to know how why I feel so comfortable, so at peace yet at the same time feeling a heavy weight in my chest as my eyes took in everything there is, I wanted to know how and why my feet seemed to know where its going.

Most of all, I wanted to know why I feel so drawn to him, I feel so serene just being with him. His presence gives me warmth and security. Eyes that held a strange passion and mouth that overflowed with stories. Its been a week of only knowing him as he accompanied Ayame and I to these places. Yet his smile is what unnerves me, they never seem to reach his eyes, they were half hearted. So empty yet subtly happy. I ache to know what holds him back from being who he really is, as if he were repressing something. Something that just wants to be seen, to be felt.

Ayame's been talking to people here and there whom she introduced me to. One even hugged me to death out of excitement, it was as if she knew me and she gave off that energy of an old friend. Kimi Nishio, turns out she's married to Nishiki. More conversations were hushed behind closed doors with a few people to which Ayame would dismiss as 'settling affairs', yet these people she's talked with would give a smile my way, it wasnt that polite ones you see in daily basis but the ones old friends would give to one another. I decided to dismiss them as friendly gestures despite the fact it keeps happening often in the days I stayed here.

The sky cried today as we sat inside Anteiku, enjoying our cups of warm coffee.

"So hows school?" I hear Ayame ask the young child beside her in the booth they sat in

"Its really great! I made a lot of friends too Ayame." Ichika beams as she continues to tell her about her school life. I smile fondly at the child as I look out into the wet street. The sudden crack of thunder jolted me alert, I pulled on the sleeves of the jacket Uta lent me for comfort as I took a deep breath to calm myself.

"Are you alright?" Uta's silvery voice interrupted my moment, to which I silently thanked him for in my head.

"I hate the sound of thunder." I grimace

"Why's that, Stella?" his thin eyebrows creased in concern as he used the nickname he called me nights ago, when I cried my heart out in front of him, A complete stranger.

"Everytime the rain comes along with thunder, I cant help but to feel angsty. It makes me want to curl up and block it out until it stopped. It faintly reminds me of a gun going off. I dont even know why I began to hate something Ive loved so much."  I answer as his hands find mine across the table, his larger ones easing open mine that was wrung with each other tightly, he held them providing that oh so familiar comfort Ive come to question.
I glanced up from our hands to find him staring, yet his eyes seemed so distant as if he were lost in his own world.

"What if you block them out with music?" He suggests after a long pause "I always do this when something's bothering me to concentrate. Maybe it could help you?"

" It might but I dont have my earphones right now."

"You can use mine. " He pulls it out from the pocket of his leather messenger bag. I gingerly take it from him as I slip it in my ears and plug it in my phone.

"Thank you." I smile at him

"Anytime." he mirrors me with the same smile he always shows "Mind if I suggest something?"

"Sure."

" Try Meet me in Amsterdam by Rini. Its really calming." I search up the song and pressed play. It was soothing to say atleast, just the right thing to calm my nerves as I focused on the vocals which did a great job distracting me from the thunder. I sighed as I leaned back in my seat, Uta having gone back to drawing in his sketchbook.

There aint no sunshine, no sunshine
Where I was before
But I found the love, the warmth in your arms

I closed my eyes as I indulged in the music, absorbing every lyric there is as I saw sakura flowers falling softly from its tree and onto the pavement beneath it, a sunny afternoon as  people basked in its warming glory. I saw a couple walk down the streets hand in hand as they laughed with each other, their smiles reaching their eyes as the boy kissed her reddened cheeks, a giggle resounded from her lips.

If there is a next time
If there is a next time
Meet me in Amsterdam
Meet me in Amsterdam
Meet me in Amsterdam
Meet me in Amsterdam...

Something wet touched my cheek as I lifted a hand up only to realize it came from me.

I shed a single tear.