mortality | uta

Fifteen

Charlotte

...

"So you were here all this time." to turn around was useless, after all its just him.

Getting my memories back held so much melancholy and euphoria at the same time. I forgot a lot of things in that span of 6 years, only then I returned to this place theyve began to reveal themselves, memories I want to keep and those I wish so badly to forget forever. But then life doesnt work that, we all have to experience things, whether it is bad or good, better or worse, in the end they are what makes us human, something Elijah would always tell me. Still a selfish part of me wants to forget everything and start over but wouldnt that mean leaving a life Ive lived and most importantly the person I love.

Tattooed arms wrapped around my waist as the faint smell of leather and cologne lingered in the air around us. The feeling was something my body remembered, the warmth, the close proximity.

"Ive been thinking about something lately." I say, my gaze fixed on the scene before me to which only reminds me of the things that came to pass and it somehow shakes me to this day.

"Care to tell me about it Stella?" his lips mumbled against the shell of my hear, voice lower by an octave

" Did anyone ever tell you about how I  survived 6 years ago?" I pondered whether or not to ask him this as he seemed to be oblivious about this single truth. Turning around to face him as his eyes wandered to the side, refusing to remember.

" Ayame found you with Urie, you were dying. She brought you to Sebastian and had you rescucitated and then flew you over to England." he replies slowly, eyes finally meeting my sad ones
" There's more to it isnt it?"

"Yes." I swallow the lump in my throat yet it seemed to stay, restricting me further

" I was pregnant at that time, our unborn child saved me."

He froze by then and time seemed to stop for us. I bit my lip, trying to focus on the subtle pain away from the greater one I felt in my heart but I knew it hit him harder by the way he looked so stricken with so much grief and remorse.

" A child? " he trembles from head to toe, arms going slack to his side. I nodded as horror fills his eyes, he stepped back from me as if I was a deadly disease.

"Uta, you didnt know, please come here." I pleaded, stepping closer but with every step I took forward, he took two steps back until he reached the wall of the suite, Ayame gone to take care of her unfinished endeavors.

" Whether I knew or not, it doesnt change the fact you were pregnant! All I could fucking do was to watch the world burn when I could've done something better. " he yells, full of anguish in it " Now dont tell me it wasnt my fault when it is clear to everyone who knew, dont tell me its going to be alright and most of all dont tell me its not my fucking fault for doing such choices!"

I knew about what he did that day, the choices he made, the actions he did but who could blame someone who just wanted to keep something safe.

" I had a choice too that day! I knew I was supposed to stay home that day but I had to find you then I ended up being in that predicament and not a single day since remembering have I mourned for the loss of our child. It hurt me too you know? Dont put all the blame on yourself Uta, of course it wont be easy to forget, of course it isnt simply alright but we have to move on, no matter the circumstance we have to, in order to heal, we also have to accept what happened, happened. "

The tears never seemed to stop as I pulled him towards me, we mourned, we cried with arms tightly around each other but with the promise to move on.

...

We lay above the covers, my head on his bicep, my back to him. His fingers grazing my flat stomach, a painful reminder of who we failed.

" Did you ever find out the gender?" he mumbles against my neck sending ticklish sensations throughout me

" A boy." I sighed, fingers intertwining with his " I imagined he wouldve looked so much just like you."

" Or maybe he would take after his mother." a kiss to my cheek this time

" If the time comes, would you want to try again?" I ask, biting my inner cheek

"Of course Charlotte." he makes me face him then, lips pressed on my forehead  "We'll be better."