The Alpha's Princess

Very Sad Authors Note :(

I really can't say sorry enough times to express how i truly feel. I know it has been an incredibly long time since i've written and I am so so so so sorry. I know this Authors note is not a chapter but I promise one is in the works. This may seem like a list of excuses, but my life has been a hectic mess for the past three months. If you want the full explanation of what has been happening keep reading but if not, the chapter is coming soon. I want you to know that all this time, I have been dying to write and i have missed you all so much. 

First, I wrote my last chapter in April and tried to make it a bit longer because I knew the next few months were going to be crazy. The following week I travelled to Italy for ten days and had the best time of my life. When I came back I was thrown into AP Tests, then as President of my class Prom, then as a Special Olympics Coordinator a huge Special Olympics Event, Finals and then excessive training for my summer job. That was May and early June. For literally a month and a half, I was going to bed at 2 am and getting up at 6 and going nonstop all day every day. When I wasn't working I was trying to sleep. I also am a youth tobacco prevention advocate, and in my area it's been crunch time to get a law passed, so many legislator visits, rallies, emails, phone calls, interviews etc. So as much as i wanted to write, I was to exhausted to even put words together and form a chapter. I was miserable and I didn't want that to show in my writing. 

Also, knowing my luck with technology my computer not only got a terrible virus that just typed exclamation points over and over again. IT WAS TAKEN OVER BY SOMEONE. I kid you not someone took over my computer and started deleting files and getting into my accounts. In about an hour I lost all of my Quinceanera pictures, my prom photos, all my college essays, and lost all my important emails. Within the files that were deleted were my drafted chapters to TAP. Ones that I am now rewriting, but look at it optimistically as an opportunity for the story to take a new direction. But luckily I had won a scholarship and was able to purchase a shiny new MacBook. 

I was then invited to a tobacco prevention symposium in Washington DC and actually got to meet with  Congressman and talk to them about youth issues which was such an incredible opportunity. However while we were there we had a social media contest to see who could post the most facts, or thoughts, or experiences they had at the symposium. Well, our hashtag was trolled and we were bombarded it with hate messages. I was compared to Hitler on multiple occasions, photoshopped onto an ISIS member's body, told I was brainless, that I should kill myself, and even was messaged death threats. I was advised to stay off social media, including wattpad as my email was being circulated amongst these people. SO though I still get messages, I figured it's been long enough that I can re-emerge. If I stayed hidden those people would win. SO Im back. One guy asked me if I had heard I had heard of reading because it was a useful skill I could benefit from learning, and I was like Brotha try me. You haven't seen my library. 

This is where it gets sad :(

Starting in February I was getting sever abdominal pain, terrible headaches, stress nightmares and so many other symptoms. ( We about to get real personal so if this makes you uncomfortable I am so sorry.) Now I started getting my period when I was 16 so pretty late, and then i only had it for four months and never saw it again. So in February I was experiencing this horrible pain and I again was not sleeping, I was always on the verge of tears, and I was so confused. So I went to the doctor and they recommended me to a specialist. This specialist couldn't see me until June so I had to wait. I was constantly in pain, I tried so many remedies and I would come from school or working all day and all I could do was curl up in bed and try to sleep away the pain. 

Finally, the appointment rolled around and they said it was basically stress but they were going to run  a blood test just in case. Now females produce a hormone called FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) which tells the body to release an egg. Normal levels are at 4 or 5. Mine were a 148. Astronomically high. This is usually where I lose it. 

I was diagnosed with a condition called Premature Ovarian Failure. My ovaries stopped working and producing eggs and I had essentially gone into menopause at the age of 17. Now this means that I can't have children which was devastating news to hear. My body doesn't have eggs to produce a child, and I have 50/50 chance of being able to carry a baby full term with a donated egg. I had to spend quite a bit of time in the hospital undergoing extensive testing, but it has been a really difficult time. I have always wanted to have kids and experience being pregnant, I actually wanted five. A big family because I only had one sister. 

Its been nearly a month and a half and not a day goes by that I don't cry at least once. I sort of slipped into a depression, and the doctor says its common and describes as mourning for the children you won't get to have. I am only now starting to feel a bit more normal. But I realize there are people that have it much worse than I do. In comparison to others, I am still very fortunate. But I still struggling to come to terms with this. So, writing chapters where Alexia is pregnant and having a baby is heartbreaking because I know that could very well never be me. It's almost like its too soon to write about this. So I took some time off to get myself into a more fit mental state to write a coherent chapter. And now I think I may be able to get through writing a chapter. 

Again I can't apologize enough for my absence, but I hope this has shed some light on why I was gone so long. But I am back and I can't thank you all enough for your endless support. 

Love,

alwayslovve486