The Darkest Bliss

Chapter Ten

The air felt heavy as they approached the higher peak. Mel and Matt had tagged slower than the rest which was definitely pre planned. Adele was getting along well, in fact very well with Ben and the rest is the same. Grace would not mingle with anyone as she felt that No one was of her stature.
"Do you think zia would be mad if she gets to know about us? " Mel whispers as Matt give her a hand. She noticed others were far ahead of them and she asks again "But I'm not doing wrong. Or what do you say Matt?"
"Whats going to happen is out of my knowledge baby. So for now focus on your walking."
Matt was best in ignoring serious questions. Which is why we never got along so well. Keeping me to wonder how we tolerated each other for more than five years. BRAVO.

"Mr. Williams shall I get you a glass of water? " Rusk ask concerned.
He says nothing but answers with his head nodding which indicated for a NO.
"I'll leave you to talk. Waiting outside Love. " he says as he stood to leave.
I smile in appreciation to his very thoughtful ways.

Everything that had felt beautiful some minutes ago now felt uncomfortable. Maybe because it was a new place or maybe because of one being... I was collecting my soul and mind and body to be braver than brave.

"I didn't come here to see you Mr. Williams. I came for the answers." I say after some minutes of awkward silence.
"You have grown so big my princess. But your eyes... I...." before he could talk any further, i interrupted.
"Can I proceed with my questions Mr. Williams? "
He looked at me like he had seen a ghost. Completely blank and for the first time I saw a face full of shame, regrets and despair all in one-His blank expression.
He nods for a yes which broke my heart. I knew what exactly I was doing yet I didn't understand myself.
"Why did you never come to see me? Why did you leave mama to die there alone? Why did you choose her over us? Are you happy?" There was tears welling up in my eyes but I look away trying to keep away my fears, my pain, my weakness.
"I am Happy" he says.
I stood up unable to control my anger. As I walk to the doorway, he stood up and grabbed my arms. I turn facing him but closer than expected.
He looked old, his hair grey with just a few black.
His shirt was ill-fitted, and his chest was thin and weak.
"I am Happy that you and your mother allowed me to have my choice. I am Happy that your mother sacrificed her love for my hAppiness. That you grew up a strong lady, For never needing my assistance. I'm happy princess that you know I am unforgivable yet you come to me for your answers."
He lowers his head and look up with Tears in his eyes.
"You wouldn't understand your father's needs nor will you understand his grief. You cannot read him or predict him like you could with your mother. But life is this my baby, there is so much you could see but you choose not to. So many you can understand yet you choose to seek for answers. But I have no answers because I'm happy I made my choice. Choice to love the woman I loved, choice to watch her die in my arms. Choice of not seeing you was the hardest but your mother never told you. Did she? "

My world was getting upside down and all that I understood was my loss of speech and sense.

"I don't ask for your forgiveness, i don't command, i request you to stop seeking for answers but rather seek for the truth. " he finishes.
"Thankyou Mr. Williams for your time"
I said and walk out of his house without my answers but with a new confusion.

Rusk takes me in his arms and tries to calm me. I then realised I was crying hysterically since the minute I stormed out.

"It is the space that we save for them that remains unfilled after they leave. Maybe that is why when somebody leaves we feel the pain until another fills the vacant."

I wanted to understand what he meant by truth...I was afraid of yet another mysterious life, of another long series of unanswered miseries.

When we got back to the camp, they haven't arrived yet. I took cold shower and settle down on bed in my night dress although it was early evening.
"Too early for bed" says Rusk as he enters and sit beside me on my bed.
"I'm tired."
"I love you" he says out of the blue.
"I'm sorry Rusk about last night. I realised I was wrong. Maybe dragging so many things from my past is stopping me from being genuinely grateful of my present." I say from my heart. He was the only one I had, i could trust and I couldn't let him go...
"I love you Rusk and I am gonna love you for the rest of my life. " I say as I rise and sit on my bed, hugging him as tightly as I could.
"Too much sugar" he say teasingly as I hit him.
My head rested on his lap and after that was silence and dreams and my hopeless fantasies.