Hidden // Spencer Reid

Three Words

"Love is a strange thing. It can make you feel empty, and aching, or it can make you feel warm and happy, even if you're standing on a mountain top in the middle of a blizzard." -What Love Is

_______

•••Lena•••

Fainting is not something I do often. I had only fainted once in my entire life (when I had gotten too hot in a theme park) and I hadn't planned on fainting again.

It's not a sensation I would ever imagine getting used to. It's hard to explain, and different for a lot of people.

In the past four days, I've probably fainted seventeen times.

This time, though, I'm not sure if I am dreaming when I 'wake up' or if I'm hallucinating, which I think can happen with loss of blood.

Derek is by my side. "Lena," he whispers, his voice cracking. "Oh, Lena, you're going to be alright.."

My vision goes fuzzy for a second, then everything is crystal clear. "I love you, Lena."

I don't know how to respond. I open my mouth, and reach up to touch his face, but can't find the strength to.

Finally, I manage a single word: "help."

Derek looks at me pitifully and smiles. "Lena, we're in an ambulance."

Something comes over my mouth, probably to help me breath, and tears well up in my eyes.

Derek seems to know what I'm thinking, because he begins telling me everything. "When we located you, we immediately rushed out with an ambulance. I opened this cellar door, because I saw it looked like it had been broken into. That's when I saw him. And, it's when I saw you."

Derek speaks to me as if talking to a child. It's as if he thinks I'm fragile, like Spencer did so long ago.

Where is Spencer?

He probably didn't want to see you like this, the self-degrading part of me says. He probably thought it was too awful to see.

He probably didn't even want to come.

I'm sure he blames himself for this. There's no other way Spencer would see it. I think he blames himself for everything.

Another voice speaks up from inside the vehicle. "Hang in there, Lena. We're almost to the hospital."

I've realized nobody's said anything about my leg. What if they have to amputate it? Do I have to give my consent for that? Did they find out about my past?

Derek isn't talking at all about my leg. He hasn't even looked at it. He's always been good at breaking news to people, but it's disorienting to not know.

I have to ask.

I give his sleeve a little tug and his full attention is brought back to me. "What?"

He takes off the oxygen mask. "My leg," I rasp. His expression turns somber.

"I'm not going to lie, Alice, it's pretty bad," he tells me, putting the mask back on with a snap. "It'll take a long time to heal. You may never be able to play sports again," he adds, but then chuckles. He knows I'm not extremely athletic.

Another thought pops up into my mind: an image of me hobbling around with crutches, trying to go through a normal day. It won't happen.

I feel Derek's hand in mine and give it a light squeeze, as if to say, "I'm okay."

The constant ambulance siren proves to act as a lullaby as I drift further into unconsciousness, finally letting sleep get the best of me.

--

When I wake up, I'm in the hospital bed. To my left, Derek is glaring at the person to my right, who I turn to see as Spencer.

Spencer came.

An illogical part of me thinks that everything will be okay once I get better.

By the look in Spencer's eye, I don't know if that's true.

Another figure stands in the doorway. After staring for a while, trying to focus, I recognize the figure as Jessica. A painful smile somehow manages its way onto my lips.

There's something off. Besides, of course, my brush with death, broken leg, and possible miscarriage. There's something else wrong.

The circles under Jessica's eyes seem too dark from just sleep deprivation. Her lip almost juts out from her face, swollen and bruised around it. She looks like she got into a car crash.

Still, when she sees me looking at her, she smiles at me.
But it's not her usual smile. This one looks weary, maybe a tad bit over-enthusiastic. It looks unnatural.

She walks towards me, and it would seem as graceful and nimble as her walk was before, but she limps slightly.

There's definitely a problem. "Hey, Lena, how are you?" Jessica whispers, as if I just woke up from nap-time.

People need to stop acting like I'm a five year old.

I attempt a weak thumbs-up in response.

Spencer finally makes eye contact with me, and Derek excuses himself from the room.

Jessica is the only one who doesn't look extraordinarily surprised that I moved. "You probably have a lot of questions, right?"

I nod my head.

"Your leg is still not all the way finished being healed. I mean, they haven't reset it yet. They're still working on removing the infected tissue around it." She must have seem my eyes widen in horror. "Oh, no, Lena," she confirms, laughing. "It was only a little bit."

I relax a little bit, and finally feel a tiny bit of pain in my leg, probably from where they've been slicing at it. The rest if my body is just a dull throbbing.

Spencer looks up at me again, playing with my fingers on my right hand. "The baby's okay," he whispers. "The d-doctors said it was a miracle that it s-survived through the damage.." He trails off, not finishing his sentence in fear of breaking down.

Relief seizes me with great force. The baby is okay. It's okay. It didn't die. My child is safe. And it's a miracle.

"Oh, and Lena?" Jessica addresses me, sitting down where Derek was. Her voice sounds weak and she looks thinner than before. "You've been here for two days so far. Despite what the doctors said, Garcia was pretty positive you were in a coma."

Jessica gets up again after noticing my questioning look. "Sorry. I know I look.. I know I don't look very good right now. I-I'm going to get a granola bar."

That was weird. And I was pretty sure Jessica had once told me she hated granola bars.

I suddenly feel self conscious and nervous alone with Spencer. I've never felt this way before.

I feel like he's going to say something bad or tell me that he never cared about me.

What he does is just the opposite. "Lena?" He waits a while for my response before realizing that I don't plan on speaking any time soon. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before. I never thought this would happen.."

I attempt to squeeze his hand. The message gets across. Keep going, is what the squeeze said. I want to hear what you have to say.

"Lena, I think you're perfect. I just think you're.. amazing and I'm sorry that I destroyed everything that was good about your life. What I really mean is- all I really want to say is- Lena, I love you."

Instantly I feel terrible. Standing outside the door is a person who Spencer hasn't noticed yet- Derek.

Derek, who has been with me since the day my sister was killed, who held me when I couldn't fall asleep, who convinced me I was safe with him. The same man who saved my life multiple times, and the same one who would do anything for me. The same man who was faithful to me. The same man that I wasn't faithful to.

I turn back to Spencer.

The one whom I told almost everything to with little hesitation, who found me in the alley, who just professed his love for me, and the same exact Spencer that I love too.

And I can't even tell him that. I open my mouth and slowly get out two words, which aren't nearly as powerful as the three words: "I know."

I'm afraid I've hurt him. He doesn't make eye contact with me. He just stares at my fingers, at all the wires below the heart monitor, and then at something behind my head. He's hurt because I don't trust myself to tell him how I feel.

He's hurt because I'm afraid. Derek also looks dejected and heartbroken. I can't please anyone, ever. "I'm sorry," I whisper to either one of them,though both of them deny me any sign of forgiveness.

How could I blame them? As Derek walks away from the hospital door, hunched over and upset, and Spencer stares at his feet, I can't help thinking how much of a mess I've made.

How much of a mess I've made by saying those three words to Derek, and not to Spencer.

And I know that before long, my life will just cave in on itself and collapse, because my web of lies has been weaved too thick.

Soon, they'll all know the truth, but it will be on my terms, and my stipulations.

Soon I will tell Spencer the three words. Soon I will stop lying.


A/N

GUYS! OMG thank you so much for over 1000 reads! I'd like to give a huge thanks to @becauseofgubler because it wouldn't be possible without her. And sorry this chapter is short and leads to nowhere- I ran out of ideas quickly. BUT DONT WORRY! THERE'S STILL MORE TO THE PLOT. I'm not just winging it, I swear. I'm writing a story. I LOVE YOU GUYS GOODNIGHT IN MY WORLD.