Hidden // Spencer Reid

Little Thoughts

"What's with all these thoughts inside my head? They're running wild while I should be sleeping instead." - Lily Catherine, Daydreams

__________________________

Slowly, extremely slowly, my head turns and eventually flops to the right side of my pillow. Just as soon as I do, my heart absolutely shatters. I was really hoping to see Spencer sitting there, even at 3 o'clock in the morning, not Derek.

I never really truly thought about what Derek is going through. Not only the sadness of rejection, but anger, and he probably feels lost, and extremely hurt. How could I do something like this to him?

If I had found out Derek had been sleeping with another girl while we were dating, I'd be furious. (Well, of course, I only really slept with Spencer once) But Derek just sits here looking absolutely depressed. He simply looks sad.

"Derek," I whisper, aimlessly feeling around for his hand.

He looks up from his phone and into my eyes. "Lena?"

"I'm s-s-sorry," I croak, before relaxing completely again.

Derek smiles a small, sad smile and just shakes his head. "I haven't been completely honest with you during this whole mess.. that you've created." My stomach churns and plummets through the floor. Completely honest?

"Wh-what do you mean?" I ask quickly, the words tumbling out of my mouth.

"I mean I am mad at you. Or, I was, I guess. I don't know if I still am. You lied to me, Lena, about a lot of things. Your name, your feelings for me.. everything we'd been through, you just threw it all away for my best friend. It really hurt. I didn't want to stress you out, and I used to think that maybe.. maybe things would get better if I didn't act mad at you. But you just kind of left me there and I don't know what to do about it."

Relief comes at me just seconds before the guilt does. What he says is all things I should have known. "Derek," I say softly, partially due to my fatigue, "I did love you. I'm sorry.."

Derek gives the same small smile again. "I love you, Lena. I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. But I've seen the way you look at him. Each moment I'm wishing it was me, but its not, and if I can't change that I just want you to be happy. With.. or without me."

My eyelids flutter as a tear escapes from behind them and races down my cheek. "I'm so sorry," I repeat.

I should have thought about it all before. I should have counted my blessings in the very least. I destroyed a perfectly good life just so I could have someone different, when I could have just as easily broken up with Derek. If only I wasn't so passive, and I could stick up for myself...

I stop crying silently when my eyes start to hurt. Every time they close, they get harder to open, and the comfort is gaining with each blink. Eventually, I give in to the temptation of sleep and rest my head.

...

When my eyes open, light is peeking through the small glass rectangle to the right of me, and it looks heavenly. "Lena, you're awake," Jessica notices, taking my hand. If I was in a better mood, I'd have smiled and said thanks for reminding me, but all I can think of is seagulls and swords, like in my dream.

I turn and squint up at her face. "Jessica, you look like shit," I state matter-of-factly. She gives a small smile (that I've begun to expect from everybody at this point) and shakes her head.

"You worry too much, Lena. I'm fine. And Spencer is here, so I wanted to wake you up."

I attempt a weak nod in thanks and turn slowly to my other side, my left side. With the heart monitor keeping a steady tempo, I focus on the beeping to try to calm myself.

Spencer looks terrible. He's staring at me with bloodshot eyes and unkempt hair. His hands shake just slightly as he pushes a strand of hair away from my face. "Hello, sunshine," he says softly.

I smile back at him and reach for his hand before he can drop it back into his lap. I hardly notice as Jessica gets up and walks out because all of my focus is on his smile and his hand in mine. "Spencer," I rasp, looking into his eyes.

"Lena?"

"I love you, too."

...

As a kid, I used to imagine horrible beasts walking around in the dead of night, inches from your neck as you dream about ponies and kittens. As an adult, I had begun to realize that all of those monsters are stuck inside of your head if you are awake in the dead of night.

Thoughts tumble around in my head, joining with others and making everything nonsense as I try my best to sort things out.

It's all been a mistake. I know that the mistakes started a long, long time ago, but my most recent string may be proving itself to hurt even more people than any of my other mistakes.

Why did I have to invite Spencer into my car? Why did I have to kiss him back? Why did I have to break Derek's heart? And why on Earth did I have to fall in love with Spencer?

I have always had screwed-up morals, but I had honestly thought I had gotten better. I thought my new name was supposed to give me a new life. I thought my "death" was supposed to end all of this confusion.

Sometimes I wish I had just refused Derek's hospitality and just stayed hunkered down in Shelly's house.

In reality, I know I could have never made a different choice. All my life I've acted in the heat of the moment, and I guess almost amputating my leg was what I get for it.

I hate nights in hospitals. The only reason I know it's nighttime is because nobody's here, so that means visiting hours are over (even though Derek somehow managed to get here at 3 a.m. one night).

I wish I could call the nurse and ask her to just give me some sleeping pills, but I'm pretty positive that's not really allowed. I wouldn't know, though, because I've never had this much trouble sleeping at hospitals in the past.

I call the nurse anyway, hoping she can turn on the TV and keep me somewhat occupied.

Minutes later, she comes in. "Yes, dear? Are you feeling alright? Baby's okay, your foot's fine?"

I smile weakly and nod. "Yes, ma'am, I'm sorry-- I was just wondering in you could turn on the TV," I breathe a nervous laugh, but the nurse doesn't react poorly.

"You're fine, darlin'! It's hard to stay awake all night with nobody there. I know, darlin', I know."

--

"But Marcus," Angelita begs, "you cannot let them take Lucas away from our family!"

"Of course I can," Marcus says dramatically. A gasp arises from the 'live audience'.

"But Marcus," Angelita parrots again, "he is your son."

The soap opera skips to a commercial break, and I could not have felt more relieved. I was tired of Marcus's maid Angelita, and actually, every other character in the entire show.

"Miss Lena, someone's calling for you? They say they're with the FBI?" My nurse comes trotting in with a phone facing towards me. I stifle my laughter and take the cell.

"Spencer?" I ask automatically, cupping the mouthpiece so my raspy voice can be heard.

"Miss Penelope Garcia," she corrects, and I apologize. "Oh, don't worry about it. You, miss Lena, have some explaining to do before this goes out t everyone."

My breath catches in my throat for a moment. "What's that?"

"Lena Christine Porter. Died in a car accident four years ago? Ring a bell?"

"P-please, y-y-you d-don't understand, I-I--"

"I do, Lena. You got your reasons, but this person you gave your money to did not do a good enough job as you thought." I can hear the typing of the keyboard through the phone.

"I-it's a clean slate. You said you know, w-what do I have t-to explain?" I attempt to weasel my way out of the situation but fail.

"Why did you start dating a BAU profiler?"

I take the phone away from my ear and end the call.


HEYY GUYS WHADDUP COMMENT VOTE AND SHARE BECAUSE IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME! So sorry it took so long to update, I had a severe case of writer's block. Uhm comment any thoughts, please vote because I would adore it if this was a book someone would immediately see in fan fictions instead of having to search. That's my ultimate goal. Uh and please share if you love it because I mean it's pretty cool! I LOVE YOU ALL THANKS FOR READING. P.s. sorry for the short chapter darlings!